In a society so concerned with sex and relationships, romantic love is often placed on a pedestal — especially around Valentine’s Day.
It’s hard to escape the shops decked out in red and pink, Ed Sheeran crooning on the radio, and restaurants pushing love-themed menus.
For singletons, the day can feel especially isolating. But what about those who don’t experience romantic attraction at all?
This is the reality for aromantics. Someone who identifies in this way is unlikely to fall in love, and may be perfectly happy to remain single forever.
The identity, like all others, exists on a spectrum. It means some aromantic (or aro) people experience occasional romantic attraction, while others never feel this way.
This doesn’t mean aromantics can’t form deep and meaningful connections in the form of strong friendships or companionship, or love their friends and family. But it will always be without a traditional romantic element.
It’s different from asexuality, which refers to the lack of sexual attraction. However, many people identify as both, and the term ‘A-spec’ is used to describe this.
‘People told me I had commitment issues’
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Nik Hampshire, 38, had always felt ‘uncomfortable’ with romance and says he spent years trying to be a ‘good boyfriend,’ but always seemed to fail.
While he would confide in friends, he was often dismissed. ‘They would just tell me I had commitment issues,’ he tells Metro.
Nik, who lives in LA, kept trying to pursue romantic love – taking things slowly, not rushing into sex – but he always felt the same.
‘No matter how I plugged in the formula, it didn’t result in a relationship that felt comfortable to me,’ he says.
Then, in his 20s, Nik came across the term ‘aromantic’ online, and suddenly, everything clicked into place.
‘It was like a lightbulb went off. When I told my parents it made sense to them, because I’d never had a long-term girlfriend.’
Realising he was aromantic gave Nik the vocabulary he needed for dating. Rather than saying, ‘I’m not looking for anything serious’, or ‘I want something casual’, he tells people upfront he’s aromantic.
He explains: ‘I just explain that I’m not capable of the traditional kind of romantic relationship.’
But not everyone understands. ‘We’re inundated with this idea that everyone can achieve romantic love and that, along with having kids, it’s the pinnacle of humanity — these are the two best things you can possibly do, and everyone should be striving for that.
‘So when you tell someone that you don’t experience that, they look at you like, “that’s not a thing.”’
Even though Nik identifies as aro, he says he still experiences FOMO when it comes to Valentine’s Day. ‘I kind of wish I could participate,’ he explains.
‘You see all these people getting to do really couple-y romcom things that look fun.’
Still, Nik says he finds his own way to celebrate.
‘I usually find a friend to be my Valentine. I’ll buy the flowers and the chocolate, and we’ll go on a date. It’s almost like a role play.’
Nik adds that on rare occasions when he sees a couple enjoying a romantic connection he will have a ‘few moments of sadness.’
‘Realising that it’s an experience I won’t get to participate in can be a bummer,’ he says. ‘But I’m perfectly happy with the relationships do have.’
‘I thought something was broken in me’
While Patrick Bex was at university, his then-girlfriend of 15 months suggested he might be asexual.
‘She said that I either experience sexual attraction and want to have sex with with her, or else I’m asexual and therefore never want that with anyone,’ he tells Metro.
They ultimately ended their relationship, which led Patrick, now 34, to believe that to be ‘asexual’ and ‘aromantic’ was a negative. ‘I thought something was broken in me,’ he says.
‘It was confusing as I’ve always loved romance as a concept, and as a trope,’ he explains. ‘I had three older sisters, and grew up watching shows like Dawson’s Creek.’
It wasn’t until he attended a music festival in 2019, where the term ‘aromantic’ came up in conversation, that he began researching it and eventually identifying with the term.
While learning of his true identity has been groundbreaking, Patrick says he sometimes feels guilty for wasting his ex’s time.
‘I always think of my ex on Valentine’s Day, as she’s the only person I ever spent one with. We went to a very nice restaurant and had a traditional day – the kind you’d see in the movies.’
Despite this, he doesn’t long for a romantic connection with her – or anyone. He explains: ‘We are better as friends today than we ever were as a couple.
‘We have got to a point where we understand our connection is much deeper. For that, I don’t feel a moment spent with her was a waste.’
Patrick adds: ‘I don’t dislike Valentine’s Day, and I think that that’s something that would be a common misconception of aromantic folks.’
‘I do at times found myself wishing that I could do some of those things too.
‘I’ll avoid date destinations like nice restaurants at this time of year.’
While Patrick has come to terms with his identity, he still encounters people who don’t understand it. Some insist he just hasn’t found the right person, while others have suggested he get his testosterone levels checked.
One of Patrick’s closest friendships ended due to his friend’s inability to accept him. ‘He consistently tried to force me into talking to women. It hurts because you don’t feel heard or seen.’
Patrick has his own YouTube channel, Fluently ASpec, as well as a poetry book titled Limitless, which delves into his personal experiences, and has helped him meet others like him.
‘I am longer hard on myself because I now know that this is an experience that other people have. Having that is very powerful.’
‘I don’t plan my future around a romantic connection’
Andrew Sinicropi, 24, lives in Edinburgh. They say that realising they were on the aromantic spectrum was ‘a very emotional process that’s still ongoing’.
They tell Metro: ‘While I do feel romantic attraction every once in a while, a relationship isn’t a huge priority for me in terms of what I need to be happy. It’s not something I need to pursue or plan my future around.’
They first realised they were aromantic when they were 14, but didn’t begin to accept it until they were 20.
‘When I was younger, it was just like, well, I’m broken, and I don’t know what to do about it.
‘I tried dating apps, but often what I hoped was butterflies, was actually just anxiety.
‘I remember waking up one day and being like, “you know, you don’t actually have to do this, no one is forcing you to.”
‘I found myself questioning: “Is that something I want? Or is that something that other people want for me?”
Andrew began to decentre romance from their life, but has found it difficult.
‘I’ve had a lot of people tell me that I’ll change my mind when I’m older,’ they say.
Andrew is quick to point out that they’ve never felt unloved. ‘I feel like my whole life is full of love.’ On Valentine’s Day, they celebrate with friends and family.
‘It’s a day to love people that you love, regardless of what kind of love that is – romantic, platonic, familial. It’s just like a day to care about people.
‘I’ve always spent it with friends or family, we might do a Valentine’s-themed craft night, cocktail or mocktail night. It’s about enjoying the company of people I love and care about – just in a different way.’
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