MAKING LOVE, hanky panky or a good old fashioned bonk – whatever you call it, every couple’s attitude towards sex differs greatly.
But whether you’re swinging from the chandeliers or saving it for special occasions, there’s one universal truth: having kids can really affect your sex life.
Having sex once a week is average in the UK, according to YouGov.
For those with young children however, it’s less frequent.
So, do you feel you’re getting enough of the good stuff? Here, two couples talk us through the intricate details of their sex lives, both before and after having kids.
‘We plan steamy romps’
Wedding events organiser Tobi Yusuf, 34, and her photographer husband Ade Bayo, 40, live in Rainham, Essex, with their three girls aged nine, seven, and three.
Tobi says: When we got together in 2011, we fancied each other loads and were at it between four and five times a week.
But after we married in 2012 and had three children we were totally knackered.
After the birth of our first daughter, we waited six months before having sex again, as we tried to find our feet as new parents.
We made a vow when our third daughter arrived in 2021 not to let nooky slide… and it didn’t
Tobi Yusef
When our second daughter came along, we waited four months to have sex. We were totally exhausted by parenthood.
So we made a vow when our third daughter arrived in 2021 not to let nooky slide… and despite a traumatic birth, it didn’t.
Just four weeks after she arrived I was getting down and dirty with my man.
But that’s when we hit a roadblock – the old spark we had was no longer there.
We had forgotten that before children we had been amazing communicators and fancied the pants off each other.
Admitting there was a problem was the first step for us. I knew if we didn’t rekindle our sex life we’d be facing divorce.
Thankfully, within three months of admitting there was a sex problem we were back on track.
Now, we can’t get enough of each other – each time together feels like the first time which is why we’re at it so often.
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Except now I fancy Ade even more than I did at the beginning, and we make love between three and four times a week.
Friends are in awe of us. Some mums want to know how I find the energy and the time.
We’re almost back to our pre-baby love making and its even more fulfilling.
Now we make love between three and four times a week. We’re almost back to our pre-baby love making and its even more fulfilling.
Tobi Yusef
Ade says: Having a wife who is honest and committed to working on a marriage is the key to keeping the love alive.
We needed a ‘sex hiatus’ – but now we get hot and heavy regularly. It is our wonderful new normal.
I am proud we’ve matured as a couple.
Admitting we were in a dead zone saved our relationship and our sex life.
We have matching libidos and having our love life return to almost pre-baby days is great.
‘We were at it multiple times a day’
Actress Solaya Rowley and DJ husband Chris, both 46, live in Stoke, Staffs, with their three children, aged 16, seven, and four.
After nearly two decades together and three kids – are Chris and Solaya at it all the time?[/caption]
Solaya says: When we met 18 years ago we were at it multiple times a day – now we are lucky if we have sex every four months or on special occasions.
We once had sex in a phone booth. It was a tight squeeze. We also indulged in love-making in a lift and a car.
Now, the idea of getting sexy exhausts me – how I used to manage it that often is mind-blowing!
When our oldest baby arrived in September 2008 we got a massive shock – she wasn’t easy, cried a lot and was clingy.
I found breastfeeding a struggle and battled postnatal depression.
The toll of parenthood has impacted their fun in the bedroom[/caption]
We were sleep-deprived and ended up co-sleeping with her.
My body had gone from being mine to a milk machine and a baby cushion.
When we saw each other, we were so tired we could barely give each other a cuddle.
After our second and third child and more co-sleeping with babies, I did not feel sexy.
I gained weight after my first child and went up three sizes, and my priorities were nappies, snotty noses and play dates.
When we met 18 years ago at a house party we were at it multiple times a day. Now we are lucky if we have sex every four months or on special occasions
Solaya Rowley
I needed time to appreciate my post-baby body, and Chris realised that.
We were open about it because we were both feeling the same sense of failure.
With three kids aged between 16 and four, they’re all at different stages of their lives. It means our personal life is on hold – but that’s okay.
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They acknowledge their sex life has dropped down their list of priorities, but ensure one another feels loved and appreciated in other ways[/caption]
I am not afraid to admit sex takes second place to the kids, but we are still a loved-up couple.
We will kiss, cuddle or simply compliment each other. This is true intimacy, rather than pure sex. You can have that with a stranger.
We like our new rhythm because we do not measure our relationship in how often we have sex, but in pure love, care, honesty and communication.
The last time we had the bedroom to ourselves was when we spent a weekend at a hotel after Christmas and had a family member babysit.
We once had sex in a phone booth. It was a tight squeeze. We also indulged in love-making in a lift and a car.
Solaya Rowley
When we do make love we’re reminded how much fun it is and promise to do it more regularly.
Then the reality of life kicks in and we’re back to a little bit and not often.
It’s quality now, not quantity. We don’t measure our love in terms of how much sex we have together, we measure it according to the time we spend with each other.
We’re content and happy with our routine. When the children are all older we can refocus on our bedroom needs. This love evolution shows us how connected we are.
It’s taken away the pressure and made us love each other more.
Solaya and Chris, pictured with their son, say they have a long-lasting love that goes beyond the number of times they have sex a week[/caption]
Chris says: When we became parents it was a massive shock.
Everyone assumes it is easy and it’s not. Solaya and I talk so openly about this subject and have the same priorities.
I am not stressed about having less sex than my mates, that would be shallow.
I am not stressed about having less sex than my mates, that would be shallow
Chris Rowley
Too many men pressure themselves to have sex daily. It’s not a competition. I am in a relationship with my wife, not other blokes.
It’s why being honest about my sex life will help other men who have the same routine as me.
To me, being a good husband and father is more precious than the amount of time you make love.
