My 15-year-old daughter’s best friend was raped by ‘pal’ at a party in my home – I will never forgive myself

LOOKING around the room I felt excited, if not a little apprehensive, for my 15-year-old daughter, Janey. 

After three months of asking, I’d finally given into her pleas for a party and she had thrown herself into decorating it with fairy lights and drapes.

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Jennifer allowed her daughter to have a house party in their home, and has blamed herself for what happened that night ever since (stock image)[/caption]

A few of her friends had already had them and they’d gone smoothly, the houses left in tact.

One friend did tell me to watch for alcohol being sneakily brought in and although we agreed as a group to turn a blind eye to vaping, no cigarettes were allowed.

I prepared a buffet and made a big bowl of sangria, which was heavy on the lemonade and very light on the red wine. 

I’d agonised over whether to allow alcohol.

Janey’s young for her year, yet many of her friends were 16.

After phoning around the other parents of the 20 or so children Janey had invited, we agreed on the sangria and beers – also provided by me – and spirits were strictly forbidden. 

But while I worried about booze, the mess, and whether anyone would turn up, one thing didn’t cross my mind.

That a child could be raped under my roof – while I was there.

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Every parent’s worst nightmare

I wish I’d known then what I know now I’ve dug deeper.

Nearly a third of all rape victims are under 18 and that police are receiving more reports of rape from 14-year-old girls than any other age group.

But I was clueless about those facts.

The party started at 7pm when Janey’s friends turned up with their sleeping bags.

We live in the Yorkshire countryside so most parties are sleepovers, meaning the parents drop their teens off before collecting them the next day. 

I kept an eye from a distance and it all seemed to be going well. But by about 10pm I was worried a few of them seemed tipsy.

One girl, Olivia, seemed particularly inebriated so I went to talk to her.

She was definitely drunk and I told my daughter that I was going to call her mum. 

Janey begged me not to. She was worried her friend would get into trouble and said she’d make sure she didn’t drink anything more. 

‘I shudder when I think about it’

To my eternal regret I went against my better judgement and didn’t get her mum to pick her up. That decision haunts me to this day. 

But at the time most of them weren’t drunk and my daughter said that Olivia would stay in the sitting room and her friend Liam would look after her. 

Olivia had a boyfriend so I didn’t have any concerns that something sexual would happen.

I made her drink plenty of water and left her with Liam in the sitting room while I checked on the others.

And 45 minutes later I went back to check on Olivia again. She was laying on her side whilst Liam was scrolling on his phone.

Now, I live with the regret of not going back to check on them sooner.

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‘She was a virgin when it happened’

The rest of the party went smoothly and by 2am, everyone was asleep, including Olivia.

But the following morning Olivia wasn’t her usual bubbly self. She was very quiet, which I put down to her being hungover and embarrassed.

If only – the truth was she was already experiencing flashbacks to the night before and the realisation that she’d been raped by a boy who had meant to be looking after her.

A week later she and her mum went to the police and a physical examination revealed bad bruising which was consistent with her claims.

She was a virgin when it happened.

‘I got off the phone & threw up’

The first I heard about it was when her mum phoned me ten days after the party. 

It was the most devastating and sickening call I’ve ever had.

This poor girl had been raped while under my roof while I was in charge.

What sort of mum did that make me? I instantly blamed myself.

I’m still overwhelmed by how kind her mum was – she didn’t blame me and in fact comforted me.

She told me it wasn’t my fault, the blame lay wholly with Olivia’s rapist. I don’t know where she found the strength to be so forgiving. 

I got off the phone and threw up.

I questioned every part of my life, I even thought I shouldn’t be allowed to have my children. I couldn’t keep another child safe, so how could I look after my own? 

Jennifer

I was devastated for Olivia. I knew her well, she and Janey had been through school together from nursery and she was a lovely girl, kind, sweet and funny.

I couldn’t bear that someone had violated her like that. 

Reporting the rape was just the start of it.

There were endless questions from the police, both for poor Olivia, all her friends and me.

Thankfully all the mums pulled together, we all just wanted to protect and help look after our children at such a dreadful time – they were understandably devastated and confused.

‘It still haunts me’

The boy aged 16 at the time, was taken in for questioning and later charged.

But even now, over two years on, it still hasn’t come to court as there are so many delays in the justice system due to Covid.

He has now left the school, but I heard he was ostracised because everyone believed Olivia’s version of events.

My feelings are unimportant compared to Olivia’s and her parents, but I think it’s important to talk about how traumatic it was.

I need parents to understand so that some good can come from this and my story acts as a warning that the unthinkable can, and does, happen.

Because even now, two years on, I find it hard. At first I was traumatised.

I questioned every part of my life, I even thought I shouldn’t be allowed to have my children. I couldn’t keep another child safe, so how could I look after my own? 

I thought I was doing everything right and other mums have said they’d have done the same.

But it still haunts me. I couldn’t sleep for months, playing it over and over in my head, what I should and could have done differently.

I still feel physically sick talking about it.

‘You can never be too careful’

I was just so naïve – it never occurred to me that a boy that I knew and my daughter was friends with, would rape his best friend. 

I now realise that you can’t make any such assumptions and that you can never be too careful. 

However well you think you know your children’s friends, don’t be lulled into a false sense of security. Make sure they all stay together in the ‘party’ room and that they know you might pop in at any time, and do, often.

I also wish I’d invited a couple of the other mums, the more adults around the better.

I’m not excusing the boy who did what he did. But I do think the teenage generation has suffered horribly from the pandemic.

They missed key times to socialise, they had more online access than ever before, which I suspect means more watching of pornography. Their emotional health and growth was stunted by it. 

I just hope other parents will read this and won’t make the same mistakes as I did. 

• All names have been changed.

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