DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN I saw a naked photo of my 18-year-old daughter on my boyfriend’s phone, my world came crashing down.
I immediately went to the bathroom and threw up.
She was clearly unaware he had taken it. There may have been a hidden camera somewhere, I don’t know.
He and I have been living together for nine years, after meeting online in 2014.
I’m 51, he is 48 and I have two daughters and a son from a previous relationship.
He is a plumber and started going out at night to do “emergency jobs”.
One night he put on aftershave after his shower, then went out, so I got suspicious.
He said he was going “to a job” but he left his phone behind and I couldn’t resist checking it.
As well as a picture of my daughter, there were also lots of snaps of him with other men, having sex with them and all sorts.
It disgusted me. I had no awareness before, no red flags, nothing.
His messages were shocking, too, arranging hook-ups and meetings with men in woodland near us.
When he got home, I confronted him and he said he didn’t know how he ended up with a photo of my daughter.
I told him to leave. He begged me not to throw him out. He said he couldn’t explain things to his elderly parents.
I’ve told my son and daughters he cheated, but not with whom. They assume it’s another woman.
READ MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: Insist he leaves your home now. If he has set up cameras to take photos of your daughter, what else has he done?
Taking naked images of anyone without their consent is illegal. He has betrayed your trust and abused your daughter.
How he handles things with his parents is not your responsibility.
Seek advice from the organisation Stop It Now (stopitnow.org.uk, 0808 1000 900), which helps with child sex abuse and supports the partners of abusers.
You will need support to work through reporting his dangerous behaviour.
He has also cheated and put your sexual health at risk, and I’m sorry. Think about how best to talk to family and friends about what has happened.
You will find emotional support through a counsellor at bacp.co.uk, 01455 883 300.
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
Send an email to [email protected]
You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page.
I DON’T LIKE OUR GIRL’S STINGY GUY
DEAR DEIDRE: MY daughter’s boyfriend is as tight as they come and I really don’t like him. I dread him staying with us for my 60th birthday weekend soon.
She is 29 and lives with this guy, who is 33. He rents his house and he has told my daughter he doesn’t want to buy a place, even though he has got money behind him.
He has stayed with us once before and didn’t bring a thing – not even a can of beer.
When we went out for a family lunch for my daughter’s birthday he didn’t once put his hand in his pocket to buy a drink.
Later we went to the beach and relaxed in the sunshine but he chose to sit away from us. I’m worried she has got in with a guy who is antisocial and won’t share his money with her.
DEIDRE SAYS: We can’t choose our kids’ partners. You have hardly met the guy, so cut him some slack. His lack of confidence and generosity may have been down to first-meeting nerves.
If you say you don’t want him at your family celebrations, you risk spoiling your relationship with your daughter.
You may see a different side to him this time. I hope you can enjoy your celebrations.
PUT OFF BY GUY’S SEVEN CHILDREN
DEAR DEIDRE: I FRIEND-ZONED a lovely guy because he’s the father of seven children.
Although he was definitely marriage material, I don’t want to be a stepmother to all his kids.
He is separated. We met online and have the same interests in outdoor activities.
We were even born just two weeks apart. We are both 41.
We went out on a couple of dates and it was fun. He was always so polite and would keep in contact via email.
He is the best man I have met in ages but I want a family of my own and don’t see how he could support even more children.
He is in full agreement and admits he’s no Elon Musk. So it was with sadness that we agreed it would be pointless to meet any more.
But then over Christmas he sent me another lovely email saying he was thinking about me and he wished me a happy time with my family.
Then he invited me to a friend’s party.
It seems strange that he has kept up with staying in touch with me. Does he really want me or is it all about sex?
Now I am wondering whether it is worth seeing him again but keeping things light with him.
DEIDRE SAYS: Only he knows what it is that he wants from you – but the fact is, you want to settle down with somebody and have children of your own.
You have been clear that you don’t want a ready-made family with seven children, so why settle for second best?
There’s no shame in setting out what it is you are looking for when you’re dating online. He seems to be a nice guy but he’s not right for you.
Network with friends and enjoy some new introductions if you can.
That way you will find out a lot more about people’s backgrounds before diving in and dating them.
My support pack Finding The Right Partner For You explains more.
SO ALONE NOW WIFE HAS DIED
DEAR DEIDRE: SINCE my beautiful wife died, I have felt overwhelming emotional pain.
She was 65 and had a bleed on the brain.
It was so sudden that we didn’t have the time to say our goodbyes.
I’m 68 and have two sons. They have been brilliant and kept a close eye on me, but they can’t do anything about the loss I feel.
They have lost their mum of course, so I try not to burden them.
The neighbours were good when she first died but the meal drop-offs and offers of support from them have dried up now.
It’s just me and the dog and I don’t know if life is worth living without my wife being here.
DEIDRE SAYS: I’m so sorry. As well as living with the grief, you are having to cope with the shock of it all.
You can get six weeks of free bereavement counselling via Sue Ryder (sueryder.org, 0808 164 4572).
Finding support through a group of new friends would give you a focus.
Check out Andy’s Man Club which supports those with mental health issues and anyone who may feel suicidal.
There are more than 100 groups nationwide. See andysmanclub.co.uk.
