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Chopping up a line of cocaine with my bank card, I inhaled it and smiled with relief as I felt the drug surge through my body, all my stress and anxiety fading away.

I wasn’t at a party or in a nightclub though. I was in my bedroom at home in Essex, with my baby fast asleep in his cot in the room next to me.

Lorna Roach

In the grips of addiction, it had become normal for me to mix motherhood with cocaine, in fact I couldn’t imagine functioning without it. 

A single, working mum in my late 30s , the drug had become my crutch.

‘I’d party for three nights on no sleep’

Now, five years on, I look back and am staggered at how lost I was at that time.

I started dabbling in drugs as a teenager.

I was rebellious and never one of the pretty, popular girls at school, but drugs made me feel good, albeit temporarily.

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Sarah, younger, at a party[/caption]

Supplied

I started with weed, then speed and by 21, I’d moved onto ecstasy which became my drug of choice through my twenties. 

I’d party for three nights on no sleep, before rolling into my job as a temp, exhausted and on a crushing come down.

In 2008 I got a job in a bar which was popular with cocaine users and dealers.

I’d used the drug the odd time before then, but with it all around me, very quickly, I wanted it more and more. 

I loved how confident and happy it made me feel, and soon found myself using it every day.

Even after enrolling at university in London as a mature student, to study for a tourism management degree, I was still sniffing coke daily, and blew my entire student loan in three weeks on the drug.

Not for a moment did I believe I was an addict though. I wasn’t some down and out on a park bench.

‘I neglected relationships & called in sick’

After graduating, I  was now working in an admin job, I had a nice flat and lots of good friends, although by now they were mostly all coke users and dealers.

I was oblivious to how the drugs had started to take their toll on my appearance – I was pale with huge bags under my eyes, and my moods were erratic. 

I’d also started to neglect responsibilities and relationships with loved ones, calling in sick to work, and even missing my mum’s 60^th birthday because I’d been up all night taking coke at a house party and was too wired to go home.

Despite all this, I naively continued to believe I was in control of the drug.

Of course, it was the other way around.

I spent all my disposable income on it – my wage came in and went straight out to my dealer.

At five weeks pregnant, I binged on cocaine for several days. Just saying those words now fills me with deep shame.

Sarah

Over a 15 year period, I spent £150,000 on cocaine.

Life revolved around partying and sniffing, getting through the week at work before I could get back on it again.

Pregnant after coke-fuelled one night stand

In early 2018, I discovered I was pregnant. I remember looking at the test and feeling shocked and terrified.

This baby wasn’t planned, it was the result of a coke-fuelled one night stand, and even though I was 36, I didn’t feel ready to be a mum. My immediate reaction was to have a termination. 

Lorna Roach

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Sarah admitted to taking drugs when she was pregnant[/caption]

By then, the only way I knew how to cope with any sort of difficult emotion was to numb it with cocaine. So that’s what I did.

At five weeks pregnant, I binged on cocaine for several days. Just saying those words now fills me with deep shame.

When I sobered up though, I realised, I couldn’t abort this baby. Deep down, I wasn’t the sort of person who could choose a drug over a life.

My pregnancy gave me the motivation and willpower to go cold turkey, and with support from my family I felt so excited about the future.

‘Motherhood was my future’

Cocaine was my past, motherhood was my future, I believed.

The first three months of my son Marshall’s* life were perfect.

I adored him from the moment he was placed in my arms, and felt so relieved I hadn’t thrown away this opportunity to be his mum.

Sadly, cocaine would manage to worm its way back into my life and turn it upside down again.

When Marshall was three months old, a friend I was visiting offered me a line and I said yes, a decision I’d come to bitterly regret.

I’ve asked myself so many times why I didn’t say no, and leave. But foolishly, after a year being clean, I believed I could treat it as a one off, a little treat for myself.

For a few months, that’s what happened,

I didn’t want my son to remember me as lethargic and snappy, or grow up thinking his mum was a waste of space druggie.

Sarah

A line here and there, I naively believed I could just dip in and out when I wanted and not go back to my old ways.

I was so wrong. It wasn’t long before my use began to increase.

‘I craved a release’

When the pandemic struck in 2020, I found myself isolating alone with a toddler whilst also launching my coaching business.

It was a gruelling, lonely and exhausting time. I felt suffocated and overwhelmed and craved a release.

I know other stressed mums were having a few glasses of wine in the evening, or even jumping on a Peloton to burn off some steam, but it was cocaine I turned to.

I’d put Marshall to bed and kiss his soft little cheek goodnight, before chopping up a line on my bedside table and inhaling it, exhaling with sheer relief.

Too high to sleep, the next day I’d be shattered, grouchy and remorseful. So I’d use again the next evening to escape those feelings. 

Lockdown ended but by then I’d spiralled back into my old vicious cycle.

I started to drop Marshall at nursery, then hurry home for a line with my morning coffee before starting work.

‘I felt disgusting’

In May 2021, something switched on inside my mind. A realisation of how wrong this all was.

I knew time was passing and cocaine was coming between me and the mum I wanted to be.

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Sarah and her newborn son[/caption]

I didn’t want my son to remember me as lethargic and snappy, or grow up thinking his mum was a waste of space druggie.

And I wanted to be able to afford nice things for him, and take him to special places, not put all my money up my nose. 

I wasn’t even enjoying the drug anymore, I felt disgusting when I took it, there was no longer a feeling of escapism.

I took my last line on a Friday night in May 2021, and declared that was it.

Feeling exposed and vulnerable

Over three and a half years on, I’m proud to say I’m still in recovery.

More than anything though, I feel pride that I managed to turn my life around, both for my own sake and that of my precious son.

Today, I work as a qualified recovery and life coach, supporting both former addicts and women seeking guidance in how to discover the calm and happiness that I have now, cocaine is no longer part of my life.

And I am 100 per cent present for my son, in every sense, no longer making him share me with my habit.

I’ve had clinical hypnotherapy which has been really beneficial, and to make myself as accountable as possible, I’ve shared about my addiction on social media.

It was terrifying feeling so exposed and vulnerable, but addiction thrives on secrecy and shame so getting it out into the open has helped me.

Early on in my recovery I confessed to my mum that I’d been a user before and after Marshall was born.

She’d had her suspicions but had no idea the extent of my problem. She was shocked but supportive.

Like all former addicts, that voice in my head telling me drugs are the answer to any challenges I face, is never completely silent. 

I hear it when I am low and stressed, or when I am happy and want to celebrate.

Last year, a dear friend died and my grief was overwhelming.

However, I faced it head on and I didn’t try to escape it by relapsing, it was a huge milestone moment for me.

Marshall is now six and loves swimming lessons, computer games and planning our adventures together – we’re off to Tenerife this summer, we can’t wait.

My love for him and my desire to be the best mum I can, stops me from ever going back to cocaine’s clutches.

He saved me from the darkness of addiction, my love for him showed me there was so much more to life than sniffing, lying and letting others down. 

Now I know for sure that cocaine is firmly in my past, and my future is my son, my own happiness and helping others find theirs too.

*Some names have been changed.

You can follow Sarah and her work as a recovery coach here.

As told to Eimear O’Hagan

Lorna Roach