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Australia’s proudly multi-racial but has avoided the catastrophe of multiculturalism – broken Britain has a lot to learn
IT’S early morning and I have just been woken by a pair of cackling kookaburras.
The sky is cloudless blue and the temperature is already in the twenties.
I’m in Australia, a nation of immigrants, of which I was once one. And it has some lessons to teach us on the subject.
When I landed here 60 years ago as a Ten Pound Pom — an assisted passage migrant — it was like arriving in a sunny version of England.
Apart from the weather and jet lag, everything seemed familiar — the currency, the politics and the system of law and order.
This remained so, right up until the turn of the century.
In the 1960s, most of the 13million population were first or second-generation Brits. But things were changing.
Desperate for new citizens, the Canberra government opened its arms, first to Europe and then to the world.
But unlike Britain, they handled this demographic time bomb with caution.
When you touch down in Sydney or Melbourne today, arriving from the UK, you know immediately you are in a land strikingly different to the one you left 20 hours earlier.
It isn’t Australia that has changed. It is Britain and Europe that have taken a disastrous wrong turn.
Australia may be multi-racial but it has avoided the catastrophe of multiculturalism.
The Lucky Country is at ease with itself, a genuinely egalitarian society where everyone, from the humblest to the highest, expects a fair crack of the whip.
In return, the Aussies take a pride in their country and the communities they live in, no matter where they originally hail from.
Simple courtesies
And, in contrast to grubby, broken Britain, it shows.
Streets are strikingly clean and litter-free, the grass verges mowed, white walls devoid of graffiti.
While UK roads resemble ploughed fields, there are few potholes to be found here — and those are swiftly repaired.
In Sydney’s Kangaroo Street (yes, really) where I am staying, a team of workmen — and women — spent yesterday resurfacing this little-used side road.
Anti-social crime such as shoplifting and phone-snatching is rare. Police, often on traffic patrol, maintain a visible presence. They even turn up to burglaries.
City streets are dotted with frequently emptied litter bins.
There are clean, free, brightly lit public toilets.
In London, thanks to Mayor Sir Sadiq Khan’s scandalous neglect, public conveniences have been locked, bolted and replaced by urine and vomit-stained shop doorways.
The visible disintegration of civic society over the past two decades, spurred on by the ideological Left, shows a stark contrast between modern Britain and its former colony.
It has nothing to do with economics, either.
The UK is, or was, the world’s sixth-richest nation.
While UK roads resemble ploughed fields, there are few potholes to be found here — and those are swiftly repaired.
Mineral-rich Australia, in the top 20, is doing OK but is not in the same league.
Yet it spends taxpayers’ money in the taxpayers’ interest rather than on woke public sector cling-ons.
It’s what the Aussies call “a fair go”.
Which explains why this nation has successfully man-aged a booming population — which has doubled since the early Seventies to 26million — without all the trauma plaguing the Old Country. There are millions of Chinese-Australians, Indian-Australians and Vietnamese-Australians.
But at heart they are all Australians.
And for the most part they have melded successfully.
It might be the sunshine, but the most striking first impression, even for repeat visitors like me, is that everyone smiles at first glance.
People of all ages, male and female, meet your gaze, say “G’day” and engage in amiable chats in a bus, a shop queue or a pub. Generation X might not remember but we used to do that in the UK.
The second impression is that everything seems to work.
The buses, ferries and trains run on time.
Roads may be clogged with traffic but drivers observe simple courtesies. They give way, keep to the speed limit.
Nobody, including cyclists, jumps the lights.
Third, men and women dress in cheerful casual gear, rather than intimidating black.
I’m in Australia, a nation of immigrants, of which I was once one. And it has some lessons to teach us on the subject.
You will not see legions of young men in black hoodies over black beanies, worn with black sunglasses, black face masks and black tracksuits — the uniform of dissent.
E-bike takeaways are deliv-ered by recognisable human beings rather than shrouded Harry Potter-style Dementors Sure, the streets of Melbourne, Brisbane and Sydney are still what screen luvvie Emma Thompson would brand “hideously white”.
But there are migrants of all colours and faiths here.
Australia has simply avoided the tidal wave of immigration from Syria and Africa into Europe a decade ago — for which Sweden, Germany and France are now paying such a hideous price.
Nor, luckily, is it bound by the draconian European Convention on Human Rights, although it scrupulously observes its own Human Rights Commission.
Tough move
Unlike Britain, Australia has taken a notoriously tough line on both legal and illegal migration.
Ports and airports are on watch for “unauthorised” arrivals. Those without a properly accredited visa are put on the next plane home — at their own expense.
In 2012, Aussie Prime Minister John Howard was denounced by the Labor opposition for diverting boatloads of asylum seekers from Iraq, Iran, Pakistan, Afghanistan and Sri Lanka to the remote island of Nauru.
But this tough move halted the people-smugglers who are now sending boatloads across the Channel to Britain instead.
Today, the minister in charge of that policy, former Queensland cop Peter Dutton, is leader of Howard’s Liberal Party and favourite to win a looming national election.
Australia has simply avoided the tidal wave of immigration from Syria and Africa into Europe a decade ago — for which Sweden, Germany and France are now paying such a hideous price.
And the Australian Labor Party is suddenly ready to deport 80,000 via a Rwanda-style scheme like that pioneered by the UK then scrapped by our current Prime Minister, Keir Starmer.
Of course, nothing and nobody is perfect. Australia has its own problem with militant Islam, stoked recently by the conflict in Gaza.
There is the abiding issue of Aboriginal or First Nation rights, with voters of all parties recognising the brutality of the early settlers towards the indigenous people.
But it has been managed without the divisive identity wars which which have soured race relations in the UK.
Life is tough even in paradise. Taxes are too high and wages too low for many families to afford a home of their own.
Australia may seem like a safe haven for UK professionals fleeing Starmer’s homemade recession.
But they must join the queue along with everyone else.
If they have the right credentials, they are in. Otherwise, forget it.
There is no appeal to a hand- wringing human-rights tribunal Down Under.
Celebs’ kids to be dumped on desert island for brutal reality show – & there’s surprise twist involving famous parents
CELEBRITIES’ kids will be left on a desert island for a new TV show — while their famous parents look on.
BGT judge Amanda Holden and daughter Lexi are being courted to appear, plus TV host Vernon Kay and his girl Phoebe.
The offspring will have no luxuries on the C4 show, called Nepo Island, with filming starting next year.
A source said: “Stars and their kids will be flown over to an island where they will be separated.
The parents will be watching how their kids cope and will be setting tasks.”
Another potential pair is Spice Girl Mel B, 49, and daughter Phoenix Brown, 25.
The young DJ has spoken out about the hate towards “nepo babies” — those deemed to have been helped in their career by relatives.
Our source said the show hopes to prove “these kids don’t need their famous parents to do well”.
Film and TV university student Phoebe, 20 — daughter of Vernon, 50, and Strictly host Tess Daly, 55 — said last year: “I’d love to act but will leave presenting to my mum and dad.”
Lexi, 19, daughter of 53-year-old Amanda, signed as a model in 2022.
- The Sun launches brand new membership programme – Sun Club.
Trolls say my son deserves to be bullied for his unique name – yes it’s a number AND a cartoon character but I love it
PICKING the right baby name for your child is no easy task, and one mum has learned the hard way after trolls say her son deserves to be bullied for the moniker she picked.
Brittany Davison, 25, named her three-year-old son Se7en Simba after googling unusual baby names.
The mum said she first suggested it as a joke but her partner, Wayne, 36, loved it and they decided to go ahead with it.
Brittany loved the unique twist of adding a number to the spelling but forgot to ask the registrar if they could use the number – so on his official documents, he is Seven.
His middle name – Simba – is inspired by Brittany’s favourite Disney movie The Lion King.
The parents – who own a children’s play café and an online retail business – get comments saying their son will get “bullied” and “picked on”, but they say he “suits” his name.
Brittany, from Ferryhill, County Durham, said: “Se7en is the most unique child you’ll ever meet.
“He absolutely suits his weird name.
“Everyone who meets him comments on how happy and funny he is.
“People can be cruel and we always get told ‘he’ll get picked on. He’ll be bullied. He’ll never have friends.’
“But it’s always adults that are mean – he spends every day of his life with new children in our play café and hasn’t had a single child say anything about his name.
“I’m raising a strong child who is happy to stick up for himself.”
“I know he will grow to love his name – but if he doesn’t, it’s only a name.
“How many people actually use the name they were born with anyway?”
Wayne has six other children from a previous relationship but despite being his seventh child the couple say it wasn’t the inspiration for Se7en’s name.
Brittany said: “We really struggled with finding a boy name we liked.
Banned Names in the UK
The UK has no law restricting names, but names that contain obscenities, numerals, misleading titles, or are impossible to pronounce are likely to be rejected when registering a child.
- Hitler
- Monkey
- Cyanide
- Martian
- Akuma
- Chow Tow
- Rogue
“We liked the name Teddy but Wayne’s best friend’s son is called Teddy. Phoenix was our second choice.
“We were actually on a road trip for work and I was goggling unusual baby names and came across Seven.
“I suggested it partially as a joke but Wayne loved it! We didn’t even look at names after that, it was absolutely certain we were calling him Seven.”
Se7en was born on February 12, 2022, and the pair were delighted with their name choice when they met their son.
A fully grown adult on TikTok told me when he was less than six months old – ‘I would bully him.
Brittany Davison
Brittany said: “I loved the spelling Se7en, but unfortunately I forgot to ask the registrar if we could use the number.
“I didn’t have the energy to contest it postpartum but I wish I had. We use the spelling Se7en everywhere except for his passport and birth certificate.”
The parents also settled on Simba for Se7en’s middle name.
Brittany said: “I wanted Mowgli but Wayne didn’t like it.
“The Lion King is one of our favourite Disney movies and I suggested Simba pretty early on but Wayne wasn’t sure.
“I told him if he didn’t think of a better middle name by the time he was born – I was calling him Se7en Simba.
“And he didn’t think of one, so Se7en Simba it was!”
Public Reaction
Brittany said most of their friends and family are supportive of their choice of moniker.
She said: “Most of our family and friends were supportive of our choice of name after a few jokes and disbelieving faces.
“Wayne’s nana did say, ‘You can’t call him Seven, that’s a number, not a name! I’ll call him Wee Sev.'”
The family often nickname him ‘Sev’ and Wayne even jokingly calls him ‘Six’.
Sadly the couple claim they do get a lot of negative comments from strangers online.
Brittany said: “People are always taken aback when they ask his name.
“We took him to A&E one day as he was really poorly and when the doctor called his name, the other parent in the waiting room asked if he was supposed to have a numbered ticket because we were ‘order number 7’ and he didn’t know what number he was.
“A fully grown adult on TikTok told me when he was less than six months old – ‘I would bully him.'”
But the parents say they are raising a “strong” child and if he doesn’t like his name he can always change it in the future.
Brittany said: “Se7en is everyone’s friend, he’s kind, he’s gentle. But he’s also headstrong and will tell you when something is unfair.
“We have been so lucky with him, but I also know is a reflection in our parenting that he is so kind and so happy.”
Masked Singer’s Jonathan Ross reveals all about Macy Gray’s tantrum & how ‘great names’ are still to be unmasked
AS a married man of advanced years, Jonathan Ross is lucky enough to find himself caught between two of the most stunning women in show-business right now.
After becoming close pals with Rita Ora on The Masked Singer — which tonight reaches its spectacular conclusion — he has now grown close to her replacement on the panel, Maya Jama.
In characteristic style, chat show host Jonathan, 64, cheekily suggests this might lead to tension between the two stars — but it certainly isn’t sexual.
He said: “I am of an age and a mindset where I’m not looking at Maya in the same way that lots of younger men might be.
“She’s just really good fun and really easy to work with. I go in her dressing room and we have a nice, long chat beforehand about stuff.
“I’ll sometimes go in and do magic tricks for her because I’ve been learning some card tricks. So I’ll go in and show off.”
But Rita, who left the show to pursue movies opportunities in the US, doesn’t sound like she would be best pleased if she found out Love Island host Maya had been moving in on her Jonathan.
He laughs: “I’ve got to be careful what I say about Rita because she’ll read this and phone me up afterwards. I think she’s quite guarding of our relationship.
‘Maya’s a robust character’
“I don’t think she’s had FOMO [fear of missing out] because she’s been so busy.
“She was texting me on the set of a movie she’s filming and sent me some shots of her getting the make-up on, and she said, ‘Look at this, look — this is amazing’.
“She was in town a while ago. I had hoped to meet up with her but she was only here for a few days.”
Despite being so close to singer Rita, there’s no doubt that Jonathan sounds more than a little captivated by her replacement.
He says: “Although we all missed Rita, we all loved working with Maya. I think Maya’s her own special creation, you know, because she’s got an interesting life.
“She grew up in one of the tougher parts of Bristol and had some tragedy in her life.
“So she’s a robust character, but really fun. She’s kind of someone who brings the party but there’s more to her than that.”
Intrigue is obviously at the heart of The Masked Singer, where Jonathan and Maya sit on the guessing panel alongside Mo Gilligan and Davina McCall.
Now the final is here and speculation is rife as to who is behind the outfits of the last trio of characters — Dressed Crab, Wolf and Pufferfish.
The idea of finding out who is underneath the masks is obviously a thrilling prospect for all four panellists.
Although we all missed Rita, we all loved working with Maya. I think Maya’s her own special creation, you know, because she’s got an interesting life
Jonathan Ross
But as host Joel Dommett discovered when he told Macy Gray to “take it off”, it can occasionally be a terrifying one, too.
The US singer was clearly furious that she had been ejected from the competition and stormed off stage, leaving production staff begging her to come back.
Poor Joel later struggled to get more than one-word answers out of her, so Jonathan valiantly pitched in and used all his chat show skills to make it a less agonising experience. But only slightly.
So what are his thoughts on the debacle, which still made for compulsive viewing?
Jonathan says: “I don’t think it was my interview technique. I think it was just me being a relatively compassionate human.
“I wanted to try to make that moment on stage for her less awkward. That’s all.
“I was trying to keep her engaged with it so she wouldn’t look bad. And I also wanted her to maybe leave with a smile.
“So I made some jokes about Joel to try to move the focus from what had happened and away from her. But really I was just trying to make it less difficult for her.
“I was a little surprised at her reaction, but I can understand why someone might feel vulnerable in that moment.
“Especially if you are a very, very, talented professional singer and you think, ‘Why am I going out now?’ But that’s the kind of nature of it. It’s a guessing game, not a talent show.
“There’s always a few people who aren’t singers who can’t sing. If it was a talent show they’d all go out in the first week. But where would the fun be in that?
“Ultimately, it’s the audience that has decided who’s in the bottom two. It’s not us. And I think we’d all guessed pretty much it was her by then.
‘Dressed Crab’s a superstar’
“So it was the choice we had — do we send someone home when we don’t know who it is and we know the audience probably don’t know, or do we send someone home who we’ve kind of figured out even though they’re a great talent?
“So the option was, let’s send the person home and see if we are right. That was all it came down to, really.”
Although Jonathan enjoys the guessing games in the studio, he ends up playing it all over again when he watches the show back at home.
It’s recorded months in advance, and often by the time the series actually airs he has forgotten which celebrities were inside which outfits.
But it turns out he’s not alone among the struggling guessers.
He admits: “We all forget! Every series I’ll get a text from Davina when it’s going out, saying, ‘Who was Tattoo again?’ And I’ll go: ‘Oh, was that Kate Garraway?’ No, it wasn’t Kate Garraway, she was this one.
“I go, ‘OK, I’ve forgotten. I’ll text Joel to see who Tattoo was again.’
“So it’s quite fun when you watch it on TV. Sometimes I’m watching with my wife and I’m like, ‘I don’t even remember that one being on it!’ ”
The star does remember who is in the final, though, and he reckons we will be impressed by the celebrities who are eventually unmasked.
Jonathan said: “Dressed Crab is a great singer, clearly a superstar and has given us amazing performances all the way through.
I’ve got to be careful what I say about Rita because she’ll read this and phone me up afterwards. She’s quite, you know, guarding of our relationship!
Jonathan Ross
“Wolf, once again, is a great singer — a different kind of singer, I think. And in a different sort of field of singing.
“He’s someone who would be just as comfortable in musicals as he would be on stage with a band.
“He’s someone who’s had plenty of experience and has the talent to match.
“And then there’s Pufferfish — once again, amazing vocal performances that blew us away. It’s really hard to guess.
“I normally find it harder to guess a female vocalist than the male ones because when they’re technically that good, they tend to be better at disguising their voice.
“There’s some great names yet to be unmasked. You’ll see.”
- The grand final of The Masked Singer is on ITV1 tonight at 7pm.
BEAST OF THE BUNCH
AFTER weeks of reveals, The Masked Singer is down to three remaining finalists.
The identities of these big beasts have baffled viewers and the panel.
Here, we give the odds for each guess, and Jonathan’s verdict.
Who is Wolf?
- Marti Pellow 1/3
- Luke Evans 3/1
- Darren Day 7/2
- Jim Kerr 4/1
- Simon Le Bon 5/1
Jonathan says: ‘Wolf is a great singer, as comfortable in musicals as with a band’
Who is Dressed Crab?
- Gregory Porter 4/7
- Teddy Swims 11/8
- Michael Kiwanuka 2/1
- Terry Crews 3/1
- Nile Rodgers 4/1
Jonathan says: ‘Crab is clearly a superstar who’s given us amazing performances’
Who is Pufferfish?
- Samantha Barks 8/13
- Hannah Waddingham 6/4
- Kym Marsh 7/4
- Jodie Prenger 2/1
- Lucy Fallon 3/1
Jonathan says: ‘Pufferfish’s vocal performances just blew us all away. Really hard to guess’
Mark Selby admits to ‘rubbish’ Welsh Open win over John Higgins in which players ‘brought each other down’
MARK SELBY is in the hunt for a first Welsh Open title since 2008 after a “rubbish” win over John Higgins.
The pair might share eight world snooker titles between them but they served up some dross over the course of five hours – with the best break of 84 coming in the closing frame from Selby.
A tight first was decided on a respotted black, which took ten minutes to sink, and then frame five took more than an hour to complete.
What prolonged the afternoon session was the interruption to frame four when a woman fainted in the crowd.
Selby, 41, was the 5-4 winner and he is involved in the semi-finals of the Welsh Open for the first time since 2012.
This tournament saw the first ranking title success of his career 17 years ago when he beat Ronnie O’Sullivan 9-8 in the final in Newport.
The Leicester Jester said: “It was a rubbish game from both of us from start to finish.
“We just seemed to bring each other down. We both missed a few. It’s strange. If one person plays well, the other person seems to raise their game as well.
“This was the opposite. We both struggled. Then it got a bit edgy. I’m happy to win. It went on for so long, so to lose a game like that is heartbreaking.
“While you’re in the tournament, you can only improve. It was tough to keep my concentration.
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“I hope they don’t put my semi-final on at night – otherwise I’ll probably finish up playing at 5am on Sunday.”
Higgins, 49, said: “A mammoth game. I gave everything in that game. It was tough conditions.
“I’m disappointed. I have got deficiencies in my game. I know I cannot bring myself to play the right shot.
“At 3-3 each, 60 in front, I had to play the high black into the pack. But I don’t have the cue power to play those types of shots.”
Selby faces Luca Brecel in the semi-final tomorrow.
English sporting giants bidding to move to foreign league after takeover by legendary former F1 owner
EDDIE JORDAN reportedly hopes to take London Irish into the United Rugby Championship following his takeover of the club.
The troubled rugby union side was bought by a consortium led by the former F1 team owner earlier this week.
The URC is a multinational league made up of teams from Ireland, Wales, Scotland, Italy and South Africa.
Any move to leave the English system would have to be approved by the RFU.
According to The Guardian, Jordan’s plans are likely to be blocked by the organization.
The Exiles have reportedly received almost £150million in funding from the RFU since 2016.
The report cites RFU sources who claim there is “no precedent for an English club being permitted to leave [for the URC].”
Wasps eyed a similar switch to the competitive two years ago, but the move failed to materialise.
London Irish went into administration over two years ago due to £30million in unpaid tax bills.
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The Premiership club was suspended from all rugby activities in June 2023 for failing to pay its players.
Following Jordan’s takeover, the club said: “The Jordan Associates team will now turn its attention to negotiating a full and sustainable return for London Irish to competitive rugby, hand-in-hand with London Irish’s supporter base.”
Jordan’s youngest son Kyle is a senior pattern in the consortium.
He added: “Our investors bring not just financial backing but a profound passion for rugby and a commitment to the community.”
Founded in 1898, London Irish became professional almost a century later in 1996.
They spent almost two decades playing in Reading before returning to the capital in 2021.
2025 Six Nations Fixtures & TV Schedule
Round 1
France v Wales | January 31 at 8.15pm | ITV
Scotland v Italy | February 1 at 2.15pm | BBC
Ireland v England | February 1 at 4.45pm | ITV
Round 2
Italy v Wales | February 8 at 2.15pm | ITV
England v France | February 8 at 4.45pm | ITV
Scotland v Ireland | February 9 at 3pm | BBC
Round 3
Wales v Ireland | February 22 at 2.15pm | BBC
England v Scotland | February 22 at 4.45pm | ITV
Italy v France | February 23 at 3pm | ITV
Round 4
Ireland v France | March 8 at 2.15pm | ITV
Scotland v Wales | March 8 at 4.45pm | BBC
England v Italy | March 9 at 3pm | ITV
Round 5
Italy v Ireland | March 15 at 2.15pm | ITV
Wales v England | March 15 at 4.45pm | BBC
France v Scotland | March 15 at 8pm | ITV
The club played home games at Brentford’s Gtech Stadium before the administrators were called just over two years ago.
And Jordan’s takeover has given hope the team can return to the pitch in 2026.
Jordan – who revealed last year he is battling cancer – told talkSPORT: “It’s a passion. Passion with the team, with the family.
“It’s something that I wanted to do for a very long time.
“Whether it works out or doesn’t work out I don’t know. But yeah we took it out of administration.
“Look there’s a lot going on in rugby at the moment. And I just have this feeling that the way rugby in Ireland is going in England.”
Love Island bombshell Samie admits she ‘cried all day’ in villa in ‘f***ing dreadful’ scenes not shown on TV
LOVE Island bombshell Samie Elishi says she “cried all day” in scenes which weren’t shown on TV.
The reality star shocked fans by revealing the “f***ing dreadful” experience when she was rejected by Luca Bish.
Miming along to the audio “well that was f***ing dreadful”, Samie captioned the post: “After seeing how puffy my eyes were on national TV after crying all day.”
One fan said: “I knew you had been crying all day.”
Another commented: “Omggg I thought you had an allergic reaction.”
Someone else reassured her: “You’re literally the most stunning person I’ve ever seen even with puffy eyes lol.”
Sami had set her sights on Luca as a late arrival – despite him being coupled up with Grace Jackson.
The brunette beauty was confident about her chances having been messaged by Luca on the outside.
However, despite kissing her in a challenge, Luca made a major U-turn and stuck with Grace.
Ex-Islander Danielle Sellers told The Sun he was “too scared” of Grace to go after what he really wanted in the villa.
Danielle now believes it’s too little too late for him to try again with Samie – predicting she’ll turn him down.
In an exclusive interview with The Sun, Danielle said: “It’s hard coming in as a bombshell, everyone was just too scared to budge.
“Even when Samie came in, it was so obvious that Luca liked her.
“He probably would want to end up with Samie when he comes out, but Samie’s not going to want to be with him after that because she was putting herself out there and she knew that he liked her.
“The fact he wasn’t giving her anything even though it was so obvious even off screen he was just so flirty with her.
“You can just see the connection between them, but then he would be like ‘oh it’s nothing I’m all for Grace’.
“I definitely think maybe if there was more time he would have explored it with Samie because it was just very obvious.
“I know he’s probably thinking ‘oh if it doesn’t work out with Grace I can slide back into her DMs and she won’t ignore it’ but she will definitely.”
Welsh Open snooker 2025 LIVE RESULTS: Quarter-final action ON NOW after Selby and Brecel set up semi clash – updates
THE Welsh Open is closing in on a thrilling finale in Llandudno – and Mark Selby will meet Luca Brecel in a massive semi-final!
Former world champion Selby beat John Higgins after a thrilling final frame decider, while Luca Brecel beat Welshman Jackson Page
There are two more quarter-finals TONIGHT – with Ali Carter vs Joe O’Connor and Jack Lisowski vs Stephen Maguire both ON NOW.
A new champ is guaranteed to be crowned this weekend after 2024 Welsh Open winner Gary Wilson crashed out in the opening round.
- Start time: From 12pm GMT
- Live stream: discovery+ / BBC iPlayer
- TV channel: BBC Red Button
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Do Gino, Gregg & Wynne REALLY deserve to be cancelled? Can you honestly claim you’ve never said anything out of order?
IF you ask a young person what they want to be when they grow up, more than half will say they’d like to be famous, according to a recent survey.
I can see why. It’s a world of glamour and excitement. You are invited to awards shows where you mingle with other celebrities, you get the best tables in restaurants and you spend half your life on the beach in Dubai, becoming even more orange.
All of which is better than working at Morrisons.
Or is it?
The latest fame-seeker to crash and burn is an Apprentice candidate who this week was accused of using the wrong word to describe someone.
So that’s him done for.
One word out of place and it’s over and out for the poor chap.
Others to have become pariahs in recent times are Gino D’Acampo, that man from the Go Compare adverts, Philip Schofield and Gregg Wallace.
It’s getting to the point where, soon, only Monty Don will be left.
And we are not talking here about kiddy-fiddlers or international terrorists.
None of them is accused of doing something illegal.
They just said something or did something which someone found offensive. And that’s that. It doesn’t even have to be a current misdemeanour.
It could be a tweet you sent when you were 17. Or something you said to your brother when you were four.
And think about it. Can you say, hand on heart, that you have never said or done anything which might be deemed, in the court of social media, to be out of order?
There might be a few people, I guess, whose crimes are limited to running through a field of wheat.
But this sort of person rarely wants to be famous anyway.
People who crave fame tend to be extroverts. Show-offs. The life and soul of the party.
They are people who’ll do pretty much anything to get a laugh.
Fun people.
The exact sort of people who occasionally say something “wrong”.
So what happens when they make it?
The money’s rolling in. They’re best friends with Marcus Rashford. They have a speedboat and personal plates on their car, and then, bang — a lip-reader is brought in, studies some social media footage taken at a party in 2005, and they’re done.
There’s no trial. No chance to mount a defence. They’re just out.
On the scrapheap.
That’s bad enough when you get fired from a job stacking shelves, but when you have a household face and you are catapulted into oblivion it’s a very different kettle of fish.
Because if you go to the shops or to the pub or even the park, you know people are going to stare at you and maybe even say something unpleasant.
So you are forced to stay indoors, in the mock Tudor mansion you bought with your earnings and which you can no longer afford.
In other words, you have your five minutes of fame and then. because we live in a world where everyone is offended by everything, it’ll be followed by 50 years of being a hermit.
Probably best, then, to forget the celebrity lark and strive instead to become a fireman.
PIZZA CAKE
SIR STEPHEN FRY came into my phone this week saying that the nation’s water companies should be owned and run by the Government.
And there are many who say that the railways should be put into the public sector as well.
Really? I only ask because this week we read about a bunch of lads on a stag night.
They were on a train going from Glasgow to Aberdeen and decided that when they pulled into the station at Montrose, they should get some pizzas delivered.
This would be quite an operation because the train would only be stationary for 90 seconds.
And guess what. The pizza delivery company pulled it off.
Can you imagine any government-run operation doing that?
No. Neither can I.
Oh, the joy of sixties, Liz and Trinny
I USED to think that people in their sixties were old.
When my mum reached 60, she looked ancient and had ancient thoughts, mostly about Jimmy Young. At 61, my dad was so old he was dead.
When I reached 60, I started to think about those gardening trousers you see in the back of the Daily Telegraph’s colour supplement, and whether I should spend my retirement building a train set or learning how to do watercolour paintings.
But then I saw that picture of Liz Hurley and Trinny Woodall in bikinis.
And it’s snapped me back to attention.
Liz may only be 59 but Trinny is past the big six-zero now. And I can’t see her in a pair of action trousers heading down to the bingo hall under a blanket with rheumatism and arthritis.
As a result, I’m going to take up off-piste skiing and being a playboy.
Sixty? It’s the new 16.
KEIR'S HUNGER GAMES
AFTER he was forced to flee some dismal field in Milton Keynes this week, because no one could hear what his adenoids were saying over the din of 50 tractor horns, Sir Starmer went to a TV studio and said, with a condescending chuckle, that getting NHS waiting lists down was more important than a tax break for farmers.
That’s debatable, actually.
Those tax breaks are in place to ensure the poorest in society can afford to eat.
And in my book, eating is more important than giving a free boob job to some wannabe OnlyFans model.
It’s always the argument, though, when the Labourites raise taxes: “We need the cash for the NHS.”
True, you do. But you also need it to house illegal immigrants in luxury hotels and to indulge Ed Sillyband’s stupid quest for Net Zero.
And those things most definitely are NOT as important as being able to afford a loaf of bread.
BLAST IT… I MISSED
I’M not sure today’s London gangs are quite as efficient as they were back in the days of Ron, Reggie and The Long Good Friday.
We read this week about an almighty to-do in which some baddies broke into the house of a cagefighter and armed robber called Paul Allen and allegedly tried to kill him with a Glock pistol.
It didn’t go well. Six shots were fired but even though they were all standing in a kitchen – not a field – only two hit the target. And neither was fatal.
This is the trouble with handguns.
Hollywood tells us that they have phenomenal accuracy, but I once fired a Glock and after emptying the entire magazine, it turned out
I’d missed not just the target but the wall on which it was mounted.