AT 53, Jane has recently discovered a new lust for life and sex – but just not with her 81-year-old husband.
Here, in a brutally honest account, she explains why she feels she can’t leave him and how she wishes he’d die so she would be free to pursue the passion she craves…

Glancing over at my 81-year-old husband John fast asleep on the sofa, TV remote still in hand, I sigh quietly and roll my eyes before settling down for a night of sexting my four younger lovers.
It’s John’s fault, he drove me to this, as he was the one who insisted we watch a dull history documentary together and promptly conked out snoring.
So while he sleeps, I have no choice but to browse an extra marital affairs website.
It’s something I’ve been doing since last January and so far I’ve messaged around 50 men. I’ve arranged meetings with 12 of them and I’ve had four fully-fledged lovers, all far younger than my husband.
I have no regrets, it’s exactly what I’ve needed while trapped in a deeply unhappy 23-year marriage.
One I met, who I nicknamed ‘The Toyboy’, was 46 – seven years younger than me.
If I’m completely honest my marriage was on the rocks for over a decade before I had my first affair, and – I’m ashamed to admit it – there have even been moments I wished my husband had died.
At least then I’d be free to find happiness with someone who cares about me and gives me the affection I crave, rather then having to sneak around.
Two years ago John had an attack of angina, initially thought to be a heart attack.
I couldn’t stop the thought popping into my head that maybe this was the release from my unhappy marriage.
I feel like a psychopath even confessing to that awful thought but I am so trapped and lonely in my marriage with a man who’s nearly 30 years older than I am.
And I love the feeling of potential when I meet a new man – hoping we’ll have the sexual chemistry and emotional connection that I crave, and have been deprived of for so long with my husband.
The truth is, my lovers are everything my husband isn’t – toned, energetic and full of desire – for me.
They appreciate me and want to talk to me. Stolen moments making love in hotel rooms make me feel life is worth living.
I do hate sneaking around and lying and people will question why I don’t just divorce. But I can’t – John is over 80, I can’t desert him now.

He wouldn’t find anyone else, he barely goes out any more, and certainly not without me.
I feel more like his carer, and I know that it will only get worse as he ages. All he wants is a companion and someone to see him through the end of his days – for us, it is until death do us part.
I wish I hadn’t been paralysed with indecision and fear when our marriage started going wrong about 12 years ago.
Initially John, a former lawyer, swept me off my feet when we first met at a party over two decades ago.
He would take me to good restaurants and make me feel like I was the only woman in the room.
‘I was completely besotted’
I was 32, and he was nearly 60 but he was so full of life. He was incredibly good looking, quick witted, and fun. We both loved travelling and going to the gym.
We dated for two years, and married in an intimate registry office ceremony in 2002 followed with a party for 100 guests.
However, no one spelt out the obvious – that in 20 or so years time I’d be looking after him.
Even if they had, I would have ignored them – I was completely besotted.
Then the girls came along in 2006 and 2008 and we couldn’t spend as much time together.
The distance grew, and we stopped communicating. Then ten years ago we stopped having sex too.
Jane
While I was completely swept up with them and their lives, John became more distant.
Without nights out and luxurious holidays to locations like the Maldives I had to accept the reality – that we would never have much in common.
The distance grew, and we stopped communicating. Then ten years ago we stopped having sex too.
We had been going through the motions for five years before that, and although we still share the same bed we are like two strangers, not even sharing so much as a hug.
I tried to talk to him about it but he had no interest, and suggestions of counselling were dismissed.
‘It fills me with panic’
Had I left him back then in 2013 I know he’d have survived without me.
But I worried at the time about how I’d cope with two small children who were only six and four.
Now they’re 18 and 16 and on the cusp of leaving home and all I can see in the future is rattling round our house near Rugby, Warwickshire, with just me and John.
It fills me with panic.
When my panic first set in I didn’t look elsewhere – instead I poured my heart out to my girlfriends.
For years the lack of sex didn’t bother me – my libido had shrivelled away like John’s.
That was until 18 months ago when I started taking HRT for menopausal symptoms and it woke up with a vengeance.
Suddenly I wanted sex, but John wasn’t the man I wanted to have sex with.
Worried about your marriage?
If you're concerned your relationship could be heading towards a break-up, The Sun's agony aunt Sally Land shares her top tips to deal with difficult situations and conversations:
- Lay your cards down: If you feel insecure about the future of your relationship – talk it through. Let your partner know how concerned you are. Work through what changes you both need to make to improve your connection. Avoid hurling insults and accusations in favour of discussing how you feel. Sometimes getting the gravity of the situation out in the open is the best way back to a well connected relationship.
- Children pick up on tension: If your relationship is heading for the buffers make sure you’re not involving your kids in any fall out. It’s simply not fair to put them in the middle of your relationship issues. Instead, let them know you both love them and that while you are trying to sort things out between you, it has nothing to do with them. Your kids need stability so try and treat each other with dignity and respect.
- Money matters: Apart from the emotional fall out, the financial implications of a break up can be life changing. So the more you can get on top of your finances, the smoother any transition will be. Start to understand your income sources, learn about any debts and liabilities and build a clear and accurate picture of your financial reality. This way you can start to budget for life after your break up. In the interim, set up your own bank account so that you can start to build an emergency fund. This nest egg should be enough to cover your expenses for at least three months while you settle into your new life. The Money Helper has plenty more advice and a free budget planner.
- Know when to walk away: Not every couple should stay together. Sometimes a relationship is simply too miserable or has no realistic prospect of ever improving, and in this instance any children will grow up in a miserable home. We know unhappy home environments have a huge impact on their long term development. Breaking up is always difficult no matter what the circumstances, but sometimes it is the best outcome for everyone involved.
- A problem shared: Whether you want to stay together, split up or aren’t sure on your next best steps, it can be hugely beneficial to talk to a relationship counsellor. People think therapists focus solely on keeping couples together but they can also guide them on how to split too. If your partner won’t attend with you, it is still worth working through your options and preparing with someone who is completely impartial. Tavistock Relationships provide reliable and affordable couples therapy.
- Know your rights: Whether things are getting nasty or not, it’s crucial to make sure you are getting reliable legal advice, especially if you have jointly owned property, assets and dependent children. Citizens Advice is a good place to start or try The Rights Of Women.
- If you are worried about anything you can email Sally’s team of counsellors for a free and personalised answer. Email [email protected]
That’s why in January last year I decided to look for a lover, signing up to Illicit Encounters, an extra marital affairs website. Since then I’ve had four.
The first one was amazing, he was The Toyboy.
He had a gorgeous physique, the sex was sensational and no position was off limits. He loved me taking the lead, we connected too, and then we fell in love.
I wish I was free to explore proper relationships, rather than sneaking about having illicit ones.
Jane
But it fizzled away – his children were younger than mine, and between them and his job he found it hard to find time for me. I was devastated.
Then in October I met another man who I still see now. We have fun in bed and he lives very near me, so it’s convenient.
But while he does make me laugh, there isn’t the emotional connection that I need so I’ll probably end it soon.
The two other men are a year or so older than I am – but both very fit.
One of them I like enormously, but he’s away a lot for work and pleasure so we’ve only met twice since Christmas.
The other one will remain a one-off.
We met in a hotel room, but he was a terrible kisser.
I should have remembered my rule from my 20s that if a man can’t turn you on through kissing, the sex will be bad too.
So now I’m still looking – my sex drive is insatiable and I can’t stop.

‘I don’t like sneaking around’
I’m happier than I have been in years but I wish I was free to explore proper relationships, rather than sneaking about having illicit ones.
I feel guilty for the wives of the men I’m having sex with.
And though I don’t feel guilty about my husband as I did all I could to make the marriage work before I turned to affairs, I find it hard logistically and I don’t like sneaking around.
I crave a full relationship, someone not only to have sex with but a man who I can snuggle up on the sofa to watch telly with – a man who wants much more than a history documentary.
And the only way that can happen – if I am being brutally honest – is if my husband dies.
- All names have been changed
