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Chopping up a line of cocaine with my bank card, I inhaled it and smiled with relief as I felt the drug surge through my body, all my stress and anxiety fading away.
I wasn’t at a party or in a nightclub though. I was in my bedroom at home in Essex, with my baby fast asleep in his cot in the room next to me.
In the grips of addiction, it had become normal for me to mix motherhood with cocaine, in fact I couldn’t imagine functioning without it.
A single, working mum in my late 30s , the drug had become my crutch.
Now, five years on, I look back and am staggered at how lost I was at that time.
I started dabbling in drugs as a teenager.
I was rebellious and never one of the pretty, popular girls at school, but drugs made me feel good, albeit temporarily.
I started with weed, then speed and by 21, I’d moved onto ecstasy which became my drug of choice through my twenties.
I’d party for three nights on no sleep, before rolling into my job as a temp, exhausted and on a crushing come down.
In 2008 I got a job in a bar which was popular with cocaine users and dealers.
I’d used the drug the odd time before then, but with it all around me, very quickly, I wanted it more and more.
I loved how confident and happy it made me feel, and soon found myself using it every day.
Even after enrolling at university in London as a mature student, to study for a tourism management degree, I was still sniffing coke daily, and blew my entire student loan in three weeks on the drug.
Not for a moment did I believe I was an addict though. I wasn’t some down and out on a park bench.
After graduating, I was now working in an admin job, I had a nice flat and lots of good friends, although by now they were mostly all coke users and dealers.
I was oblivious to how the drugs had started to take their toll on my appearance – I was pale with huge bags under my eyes, and my moods were erratic.
I’d also started to neglect responsibilities and relationships with loved ones, calling in sick to work, and even missing my mum’s 60th birthday because I’d been up all night taking coke at a house party and was too wired to go home.
Despite all this, I naively continued to believe I was in control of the drug.
Of course, it was the other way around.
I spent all my disposable income on it – my wage came in and went straight out to my dealer.
At five weeks pregnant, I binged on cocaine for several days. Just saying those words now fills me with deep shame.
Sarah
Over a 15 year period, I spent £150,000 on cocaine.
Life revolved around partying and sniffing, getting through the week at work before I could get back on it again.
In early 2018, I discovered I was pregnant. I remember looking at the test and feeling shocked and terrified.
This baby wasn’t planned, it was the result of a coke-fuelled one night stand, and even though I was 36, I didn’t feel ready to be a mum. My immediate reaction was to have a termination.
By then, the only way I knew how to cope with any sort of difficult emotion was to numb it with cocaine. So that’s what I did.
At five weeks pregnant, I binged on cocaine for several days. Just saying those words now fills me with deep shame.
When I sobered up though, I realised, I couldn’t abort this baby. Deep down, I wasn’t the sort of person who could choose a drug over a life.
My pregnancy gave me the motivation and willpower to go cold turkey, and with support from my family I felt so excited about the future.
Cocaine was my past, motherhood was my future, I believed.
The first three months of my son Marshall’s* life were perfect.
I adored him from the moment he was placed in my arms, and felt so relieved I hadn’t thrown away this opportunity to be his mum.
Sadly, cocaine would manage to worm its way back into my life and turn it upside down again.
When Marshall was three months old, a friend I was visiting offered me a line and I said yes, a decision I’d come to bitterly regret.
I’ve asked myself so many times why I didn’t say no, and leave. But foolishly, after a year being clean, I believed I could treat it as a one off, a little treat for myself.
For a few months, that’s what happened,
I didn’t want my son to remember me as lethargic and snappy, or grow up thinking his mum was a waste of space druggie.
Sarah
A line here and there, I naively believed I could just dip in and out when I wanted and not go back to my old ways.
I was so wrong. It wasn’t long before my use began to increase.
When the pandemic struck in 2020, I found myself isolating alone with a toddler whilst also launching my coaching business.
It was a gruelling, lonely and exhausting time. I felt suffocated and overwhelmed and craved a release.
I know other stressed mums were having a few glasses of wine in the evening, or even jumping on a Peloton to burn off some steam, but it was cocaine I turned to.
I’d put Marshall to bed and kiss his soft little cheek goodnight, before chopping up a line on my bedside table and inhaling it, exhaling with sheer relief.
Too high to sleep, the next day I’d be shattered, grouchy and remorseful. So I’d use again the next evening to escape those feelings.
Lockdown ended but by then I’d spiralled back into my old vicious cycle.
I started to drop Marshall at nursery, then hurry home for a line with my morning coffee before starting work.
In May 2021, something switched on inside my mind. A realisation of how wrong this all was.
I knew time was passing and cocaine was coming between me and the mum I wanted to be.
Struggling with drug addiction but don't know where to get support? The NHS has the following advice...
You do not have to be taking cocaine every day to be addicted to it – a sign of addiction can be that you’ve tried to cut down or stop but are unable to.
A GP can be a good place to start. They can discuss your problems with you and get you into treatment.
They may offer you treatment at the practice or refer you to your local drug service.
If you’re not comfortable talking to a GP, you can approach your local drug treatment service yourself. Visit the Frank website to find support near you.
If you’re having trouble finding the right sort of help, you could call the Frank drugs helpline on 0300 123 6600. They can talk you through all your options.
For more information on the support available visit the NHS website.
I didn’t want my son to remember me as lethargic and snappy, or grow up thinking his mum was a waste of space druggie.
And I wanted to be able to afford nice things for him, and take him to special places, not put all my money up my nose.
I wasn’t even enjoying the drug anymore, I felt disgusting when I took it, there was no longer a feeling of escapism.
I took my last line on a Friday night in May 2021, and declared that was it.
Over three and a half years on, I’m proud to say I’m still in recovery.
More than anything though, I feel pride that I managed to turn my life around, both for my own sake and that of my precious son.
Today, I work as a qualified recovery and life coach, supporting both former addicts and women seeking guidance in how to discover the calm and happiness that I have now, cocaine is no longer part of my life.
And I am 100 per cent present for my son, in every sense, no longer making him share me with my habit.
I’ve had clinical hypnotherapy which has been really beneficial, and to make myself as accountable as possible, I’ve shared about my addiction on social media.
It was terrifying feeling so exposed and vulnerable, but addiction thrives on secrecy and shame so getting it out into the open has helped me.
Early on in my recovery I confessed to my mum that I’d been a user before and after Marshall was born.
She’d had her suspicions but had no idea the extent of my problem. She was shocked but supportive.
Like all former addicts, that voice in my head telling me drugs are the answer to any challenges I face, is never completely silent.
I hear it when I am low and stressed, or when I am happy and want to celebrate.
Last year, a dear friend died and my grief was overwhelming.
However, I faced it head on and I didn’t try to escape it by relapsing, it was a huge milestone moment for me.
Marshall is now six and loves swimming lessons, computer games and planning our adventures together – we’re off to Tenerife this summer, we can’t wait.
My love for him and my desire to be the best mum I can, stops me from ever going back to cocaine’s clutches.
He saved me from the darkness of addiction, my love for him showed me there was so much more to life than sniffing, lying and letting others down.
Now I know for sure that cocaine is firmly in my past, and my future is my son, my own happiness and helping others find theirs too.
*Some names have been changed.
You can follow Sarah and her work as a recovery coach here.
As told to Eimear O’Hagan
MAKING LOVE, hanky panky or a good old fashioned bonk – whatever you call it, every couple’s attitude towards sex differs greatly.
But whether you’re swinging from the chandeliers or saving it for special occasions, there’s one universal truth: having kids can really affect your sex life.
Having sex once a week is average in the UK, according to YouGov.
For those with young children however, it’s less frequent.
So, do you feel you’re getting enough of the good stuff? Here, two couples talk us through the intricate details of their sex lives, both before and after having kids.
Wedding events organiser Tobi Yusuf, 34, and her photographer husband Ade Bayo, 40, live in Rainham, Essex, with their three girls aged nine, seven, and three.
Tobi says: When we got together in 2011, we fancied each other loads and were at it between four and five times a week.
But after we married in 2012 and had three children we were totally knackered.
After the birth of our first daughter, we waited six months before having sex again, as we tried to find our feet as new parents.
We made a vow when our third daughter arrived in 2021 not to let nooky slide… and it didn’t
Tobi Yusef
When our second daughter came along, we waited four months to have sex. We were totally exhausted by parenthood.
So we made a vow when our third daughter arrived in 2021 not to let nooky slide… and despite a traumatic birth, it didn’t.
Just four weeks after she arrived I was getting down and dirty with my man.
But that’s when we hit a roadblock – the old spark we had was no longer there.
We had forgotten that before children we had been amazing communicators and fancied the pants off each other.
Admitting there was a problem was the first step for us. I knew if we didn’t rekindle our sex life we’d be facing divorce.
Thankfully, within three months of admitting there was a sex problem we were back on track.
Now, we can’t get enough of each other – each time together feels like the first time which is why we’re at it so often.
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Except now I fancy Ade even more than I did at the beginning, and we make love between three and four times a week.
Friends are in awe of us. Some mums want to know how I find the energy and the time.
We’re almost back to our pre-baby love making and its even more fulfilling.
Now we make love between three and four times a week. We’re almost back to our pre-baby love making and its even more fulfilling.
Tobi Yusef
Ade says: Having a wife who is honest and committed to working on a marriage is the key to keeping the love alive.
We needed a ‘sex hiatus’ – but now we get hot and heavy regularly. It is our wonderful new normal.
I am proud we’ve matured as a couple.
Admitting we were in a dead zone saved our relationship and our sex life.
We have matching libidos and having our love life return to almost pre-baby days is great.
Actress Solaya Rowley and DJ husband Chris, both 46, live in Stoke, Staffs, with their three children, aged 16, seven, and four.
Solaya says: When we met 18 years ago we were at it multiple times a day – now we are lucky if we have sex every four months or on special occasions.
We once had sex in a phone booth. It was a tight squeeze. We also indulged in love-making in a lift and a car.
Now, the idea of getting sexy exhausts me – how I used to manage it that often is mind-blowing!
When our oldest baby arrived in September 2008 we got a massive shock – she wasn’t easy, cried a lot and was clingy.
I found breastfeeding a struggle and battled postnatal depression.
We were sleep-deprived and ended up co-sleeping with her.
My body had gone from being mine to a milk machine and a baby cushion.
When we saw each other, we were so tired we could barely give each other a cuddle.
After our second and third child and more co-sleeping with babies, I did not feel sexy.
I gained weight after my first child and went up three sizes, and my priorities were nappies, snotty noses and play dates.
When we met 18 years ago at a house party we were at it multiple times a day. Now we are lucky if we have sex every four months or on special occasions
Solaya Rowley
I needed time to appreciate my post-baby body, and Chris realised that.
We were open about it because we were both feeling the same sense of failure.
With three kids aged between 16 and four, they’re all at different stages of their lives. It means our personal life is on hold – but that’s okay.
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I am not afraid to admit sex takes second place to the kids, but we are still a loved-up couple.
We will kiss, cuddle or simply compliment each other. This is true intimacy, rather than pure sex. You can have that with a stranger.
We like our new rhythm because we do not measure our relationship in how often we have sex, but in pure love, care, honesty and communication.
The last time we had the bedroom to ourselves was when we spent a weekend at a hotel after Christmas and had a family member babysit.
We once had sex in a phone booth. It was a tight squeeze. We also indulged in love-making in a lift and a car.
Solaya Rowley
When we do make love we’re reminded how much fun it is and promise to do it more regularly.
Then the reality of life kicks in and we’re back to a little bit and not often.
It’s quality now, not quantity. We don’t measure our love in terms of how much sex we have together, we measure it according to the time we spend with each other.
We’re content and happy with our routine. When the children are all older we can refocus on our bedroom needs. This love evolution shows us how connected we are.
It’s taken away the pressure and made us love each other more.
Chris says: When we became parents it was a massive shock.
Everyone assumes it is easy and it’s not. Solaya and I talk so openly about this subject and have the same priorities.
I am not stressed about having less sex than my mates, that would be shallow.
I am not stressed about having less sex than my mates, that would be shallow
Chris Rowley
Too many men pressure themselves to have sex daily. It’s not a competition. I am in a relationship with my wife, not other blokes.
It’s why being honest about my sex life will help other men who have the same routine as me.
To me, being a good husband and father is more precious than the amount of time you make love.
IT’S February and chances are your New Year’s resolution health kick is beginning to fade.
Well, that’s certainly the case for me, as at the beginning of the year I’d had high hopes of working out more to shed a few stone – but finding the time is always tricky with a busy life.
I’ve never been your traditional gym-goer and hate the whole environment.
I’m also just clueless with equipment and what I need to do, and a personal trainer just isn’t affordable for most.
However I have had some success doing the classes that come as part of my gym membership, taking up around three a week since the start of January.
But so often I’ve missed them too, due to late trains and traffic, or simply because I can’t face stepping outside on a miserable, cold and rainy day.
So it got me thinking – what if I could do all that from home?
Of course, home fitness is nothing new – workout VHS videos were all the rage in the 80s and 90s with everyone from Cher to Jane Fonda in on the act.
And lots of us turned to online fitness during lockdown.
But as an iPhone user, I’ve discovered there’s an option that makes it a lot easier to fit into your life, with or without equipment – Apple Fitness+.
Apple Fitness+ launched in December 2020 and continues to expand its offering.
At the start of this year, the platform added new programmes for strength, pickleball, yoga, and breath meditation, on top of the hundreds of titles already available.
One of the biggest problems I find with fitness is finding the time in my busy day.
To my surprise, sessions on Apple Fitness+ start at just five minutes long, meaning there really is no excuse.
Now, five minutes all the time on its own isn’t going to get you very far but on a busy day it’s better than doing nothing.
And I’ve been managing to do some ten minute sessions before work – a time I wouldn’t usually have time to workout at all.
I took on ten minute HIIT (high-intensity interval training) sessions and despite the short duration they do still get you into a sweat and I burnt more than 125 calories each time.
You could dig out a HIIT workout on YouTube for free but you’ll be bombard with ads, annoying requests to subscribe every five minutes and god knows what else.
Apple Fitness+ is ad-free and the production of the routines are high quality – I trust that these are well-qualified trainers too.
There are usually three people participating in the workout – the main trainer and two in the background.
One in the background will do a handy alternative for any parts you feel less capable to do, such as swapping jump-based activities for something that keeps both feet on the ground.
Another useful feature to note is that many workouts don’t require any equipment at all – and you don’t always need heaps of space to do them either.
Check if your TV supports AirPlay.
If it does, you can cast the workout onto your TV screen for a bigger, better experience.
Sky Glass and Sky Stream recently added AirPlay, so you can do it this way too.
Your TV and iPhone will need to be connected to the same Wi-Fi network for this to work.
Then just hit play on a video via your iPhone, then tap the AirPlay cast icon along the bottom (which looks like the icon here).
Consistency is always the best way to achieve your fitness goals and Apple Fitness+ has a planner to help you along the way.
You can build your plan with a weekly schedule, setting out the total time you want to do each day and the types of activities too.
It’s even possible to select your preferred trainers from the Apple Fitness+ team, as well as music to get you moving.
Apple Fitness+ costs £9.99 if paying monthly, which works out at approximately 32p per day.
But if you subscribe for a year at £79.99 it comes to little over 20p per day.
What’s more, you can share Apple Fitness+ with up to five other family members to get even more value out of the service.
Apple Fitness+ trainer Kim Ngo tells The Sun the best way to stay consistent with exercise is finding an activity you find fun and exciting.
She says: “An example for me would be dancing. I love to put a dance workout on, and I’m not a dancer.
“Don’t put me on a dance floor and put me in front of people – but if you put me on a dance workout, I’ll get down in my living room and shake my hips with my toddler running around and it’s the most fun ever!”
Fellow trainer Cory Wharton-Malcolm says setting up a plan via Apple Fitness+ also helps.
Cory says: “You wake up, it gives you a little nudge – ‘Don’t forget, you’ve got this workout today’.
“And it’s not pressure, it’s more of a reminder. That’s a great way to stay consistent.”
You don’t need an Apple Watch to use Apple Fitness+ but there are some extras if you do.
Obviously, you get post-workout data like any fitness activity you undertake.
But when using Apple Fitness+ you will see your progress live on screen during the workout, with things like heart rate and activity rings – which gave me extra motivation to go a bit harder.
Overall, while I was a bit sceptical of training this way with Apple Fitness+ as I prefer in person workouts.
However, given the quality of the workouts and the cost, there’s no question – I will definitely make this a permanent fixture for my weight loss journey going forward.
It might sound obvious, but cutting out sugar can help you lose weight - and this is why
By cutting out sugar and replacing it with healthier options, you can create a more balanced and sustainable diet that supports weight loss and overall well-being.
COPS are urgently hunting for a 14-year-old girl who went missing and “may be with a 20-year-old man”.
Millie, whose surname Sussex Police did not provide, has raised concerns after disappearing from Worthing.
Police described her as 5 foot 7 inches tall and said she wears thick black rimmed glasses.
Millie may be with a 20-year-old man who is known to her, according to Sussex Police.
Cops said that the schoolgirl may have travelled to the Croydon area.
Sussex Police urged anyone with information to get in touch immediately.
A spokesman said: “Dial 999 if you see her, quoting serial 229 of 15/02.”
MANCHESTER UNITED boss Ruben Amorim has revealed that Christian Eriksen missed yesterday’s trip to Tottenham due to his “heart situation”.
The Danish midfielder, 33, suffered a cardiac arrest while playing at Euro 2020.
He subsequently made an amazing return to action after having an Implantable Cardioverter Defibrillator (ICD) fitted.
After being unwell in the week, Eriksen was not available for Sunday’s 1-0 defeat at former club Spurs.
Speaking after the match, Amorim said of the situation: “I think Leny (Yoro) and Chris, they were sick. So they will recover.
“Of course Chris has the heart situation and we have to be really careful with that.
“It’s nothing about the heart! I’m just saying the heart rate has to be controlled because he has a fever.”
Eriksen and Yoro were two of several Man Utd stars to miss out, with Kobbie Mainoo also missing and Amad Diallo having been ruled out for the season.
The quartet joined long-term absentees Lisandro Martinez, Mason Mount and Luke Shaw in being sidelined – while Manuel Ugarte, Jonny Evans and Altay Bayindir were also missing.
Following his side’s defeat, which leaves them 15th in the Premier League, Amorim didn’t want to hide behind the injuries.
He said: “We still had a starting XI with first-team players. It’s no excuse. It’s not nice when you lose five players in one week, but that’s part of football, part of life.
“I believe you have to deserve fortune. At the moment, apparently we don’t deserve it. I don’t believe in fortune coming out of nowhere.”
With Tottenham having suffered with several injury issues of their own in recent months, and the likes of Micky van de Ven, Cristian Romero, Dominic Solanke, Radu Dragusin and Richarlison still out, boss Ange Postecoglou had little pity for Man Utd.
He said: “If I check my office, I don’t have any sympathy cards from other managers, so that hasn’t happened. There’s definitely a few.
“I could see Ruben there, players out of position, kids on the bench. Well, welcome to my world. But that’s for one game. Now do that for two months.
“Do that for two months. Any club. Do that for two months. I thought Man United were good today, considering all that, and we had our days when we were good. We beat Liverpool in this spell.”
Man Utd used just one substitute yesterday, with 17-year-old striker Chido Obi-Martin replacing Casemiro very late on.
Amorim, 40, will hope to have Eriksen and Yoro back available as the Red Devils travel to in-form Everton this weekend.
