Attention! St. Patrick’s Day is tomorrow. It’s time to evaluate your student drinking skills ahead of the big day – because everyone knows that celebrating St Paddy’s in Liverpool is not as simple as having a couple of pints and calling it a day.
It’s a full-blown test of stamina, questionable decision making, and your ability to function on pure Guinness. Whether you’re here for a casual pint, or determined to go fully mental, this guide breaks down the key phases of a St Paddy’s day. We’ve got the task of determining if you will power through like an Irish drinking champion, or if you will be found napping in the corner of McCooley’s by 6pm.
Phase 1: 12-3 pm
You’re feeling good, you’re dressed in something vaguely green (even if it’s just a headband) and you’re trying to convince yourself that you actually like Guinness. The first pint is good, the vibes are even better, and the group is very much alive and optimism is at an all time high. Concert Square is getting packed, but you’ve got no fear. You’re here for the long haul.
Signs you’ll last: You had a proper breakfast, and you’re pacing yourself. Pre drinks were early, but you haven’t peaked to soon and you’re not bored of queuing yet. It’s a miracle.
Signs you won’t: You skipped food, ordered whiskey as a warm up and someone’s already suggested doing shots “for the craic” – which you definitely won’t say no to. You’ve also just told someone that you don’t think the pints have hit you yet. Bad idea.
Phase 2: 3-5pm
You’re a few pints deep, feeling like a Guinness connoisseur and belting out Irish songs you absolutely do not know the words to. Someone mentions moving to the next pub, and morale is still high at this point. You’ve bumped into people you know, the group is getting bigger and someone’s just gotten a round of Baby Guinness in. Confidence is kicking in, and you’re convinced that you could do this all night!
Signs you’ll last: You’re switching between pints and water like a genius, and you still know where your phone is. You’ve already got a plan to get some cheesy chips and curry from Shiraz later, but the drunk hunger hasn’t taken over just yet.
Signs you won’t: You’ve started speaking in a dodgy Irish accent and have declared yourself “basically Irish” because your great uncle once visited Dublin fifteen years ago. You’re feeling a bit wobbly, but it’s nothing another Guinness can’t fix, right?
Phase 3: 5-8pm
The Guinness is sitting heavy and your energy is dipping. The smarter ones grab the cheesy chips you’ve been dreaming of, and the reckless ones order another round of Jameson, for some reason. The idea of moving pubs at this point seems as challenging as climbing a mountain. The queues are just getting worse, and the guy playing guitar in the corner of Dirty O’Sheas sounds like your worst nightmare right now.
Signs you’ll last: You strategically switch to something a little less alcoholic, and you’re still capable of forming full sentences. You cleverly packed a portable charger, so you’re on photo duty, and not hating it. It’s a nice break.
Signs you won’t: You’ve already sent a regrettable text to someone you shouldn’t have, and you lost your Paddy’s Day hat and flag in the last pub. Your mates are thinking of Ubering you home with a fragile sticker on your forehead – never a good sign.
Phase 4: 8-11pm
You’ve either hit a second wind or you’re dangerously close to calling it quits. The pub is packed, someone’s leading a singalong, and suddenly everyone is your best mate. At this point survival is about resilience, hydration, and avoiding bad decisions.
Signs you’ll last: You’re still standing, still somewhat coherent, and haven’t lost something yet. You rejected the offer of a Gourmet Grill and an Uber back a little while ago, in the hopes the vibe would boost back up in a little while.
Signs you won’t: You’ve disappeared without explanation, or you’ve been found slumped over a table staring blankly into space. Nothing sounds more appealing to you than heading off on a mysterious side quest, or buying a mega pint of Guinness that will inevitably knock you out for the evening. You made some friends in the bathrooms though! Success.
Phase 5: 11pm-???
This phase of St Paddy’s Day is reserved for the troopers of Liverpool. Your friends are wading through crowds of people slumped on the side of Bold Street, and you can hear people complaining about the prices of Ubers already. You’ve lost track of time and the group is scattered. If you’re still out you’re either a seasoned pro, or you’re operating purely on autopilot. No chance you’re making it to your lectures tomorrow either.
Signs you’ll last: You’re still talking, still moving, and miraculously still holding a drink. It may be a pint of water, it may be vodka – nobody knows, and that’s ok. You’ve not checked your bank account yet to protect your peace, because you know it’ll send you home immediately.
Signs you won’t: You’ve been found sitting on the pavement, clutching a half-eaten burger, wondering where it all went wrong. People are walking past and asking if you’re alright, which tells you that you’re in a bit of a state. Your feet hurt, you can’t find your house keys and there’s a weird smell coming from the stain on your top. It doesn’t even look green anymore.
So, how long will you last? Only time will tell. Sláinte!
