DEAR DEIDRE: MY unusual fetish for women with their arms in slings has become so obsessive, I’ve started wearing one myself.
My wife has no idea I get a sexual kick out of it — she thinks I’ve injured my arm.
If she found out, I know my marriage would be over.
I’m 52 and my wife is 50. We have two grown-up children.
I’ve had a sexual fascination for women wearing slings since I was a child.
I’ve never come across anyone with the same fetish, which makes me feel so perverted and alone.
I think it started when my babysitter — who I had a crush on — broke her arm.
One evening, she let me try on her sling.
A few years later, I started fashioning my own slings and wearing them when I was alone. I would even pleasure myself while wearing one.
Since then, I have found myself attracted to any woman I see with her arm in plaster and/or a sling.
I know it’s strange, and I can’t explain it. I don’t enjoy seeing women who have been hurt or are in pain — it’s purely the sling that does it for me.
When an ex-girlfriend broke her arm, my libido went through the roof.
She couldn’t work out why all of a sudden I was unable to keep my hands off her and, of course, I didn’t tell her.
We broke up soon after her arm healed up.
I once visited a prostitute and asked her to wear a sling. I could tell she thought I was a total weirdo.
Recently, I’ve taken to wearing one myself when I’m on my own. But my wife caught me and I had to make up a story about hurting my arm in the garage when I fixed the car.
She believed me — why wouldn’t she? But part of me longs to be honest with her.
I don’t know how to deal with this. Please help.
READ MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: People have all kinds of weird and wonderful fetishes.
While yours may be uncommon, it doesn’t make you a pervert.
As you say, it’s likely this stems from your childhood experience.
Perhaps your sexual awakening occurred simultaneously, forever linking sexual arousal with slings in your mind.
You aren’t harming anybody. But this is negatively affecting your life, so it is good you’ve asked for help.
My support pack, Fetish Worries, should explain more and tell you where to go for help.
It may benefit you to have some psycho-sexual counselling.
Think about talking to your wife. She may be more understanding than you think, and it will be a weight off your mind.
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
Send an email to [email protected]
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WORRIED MY GASLIGHTING EX MAY BE SERIOUSLY ILL
DEAR DEIDRE: I’VE been played for a fool by my narcissistic ex, but now I’m worried about him and don’t feel I can abandon him.
Unusually, he hasn’t been in touch for months and I’m scared something has happened to him. Then again, it could just be one of his mind games.
I’m a woman of 31 and he’s 34.
We had an on-off relationship for several years. He was a textbook narcissist – often charming, but controlling with no empathy, arrogant and sometimes cruel.
He was a gaslighter who messed me around, making me feel I needed him.
And he would never introduce me to friends or family. I felt like his dirty little secret – not good enough for a proper relationship.
After I finally managed to walk away, he’d message from time to time, but I was strong and resisted getting back with him.
But then he contacted me to tell me he had a serious health problem.
He told me how much he missed me and hinted that he wanted to get serious.
I think he just wanted someone to look after him. And when he realised I wasn’t going to jump back into his arms, he ghosted me.
But now I haven’t heard from him in six months, and I’m starting to worry he may be really sick or worse.
Should I contact him? Or is he just playing another game to control me?
DEIDRE SAYS: You have no obligation to look after this man, have a relationship with him or even be in contact. Please don’t feel guilty.
Even if he is genuinely ill now – and he may not be – he has spent years manipulating you and taking advantage of your kind nature.
Narcissists don’t change, even ill ones.
You deserve so much better.
Please don’t allow yourself to get sucked back in.
My support packs, Abusive Partners and Addictive Relationships, have lots of information about this type of relationship, which you may find helpful.
THANK YOU
DEAR DEIDRE: AS a child, my mum always put me down and compared me unfavourably to my sisters, telling me they were prettier and more intelligent.
I would always get into trouble with my dad, because she would blame me for their bad behaviour.
I’m now 45, and my relationship with her is very complicated.
She only calls when she needs something and is never there for me.
I decided I needed to put my own mental health first – but I felt guilty.
You told me my mother sounded needy, and reassured me I had no reason to feel guilty.
You advised me to talk to a counsellor, suggested I read your support pack on counselling, and recommended standalone.org.uk, for people estranged from family members.
And you even wrote back to check to see how I was doing.
I decided to set boundaries, as you had suggested, messaging Mum once a week and not letting her mess me around.
Taking a stand and keeping contact to a bare minimum worked. She is now treating me differently – like an equal for the first time.
Thank you so much for all your advice and for giving me hope.
DEIDRE SAYS: I am glad you have realised you’re a strong, capable woman and that things are so much more positive. I’m always here.
TEEN TROUBLES
DEAR DEIDRE: MY boyfriend stopped talking to me because I went out with my best mate instead of him.
Now I’ve dumped him, but I feel guilty and keep wondering if I’ve done the right thing.
We’re both 19 and have been together a year. He wants to see me all the time – he doesn’t like me seeing friends alone sometimes, but says it’s because he loves me so much.
But it was my best mate’s birthday and I wanted to spend time with her.
His response was to sulk and block me. It made me so mad I broke up with him.
Have I made a big mistake?
DEIDRE SAYS: Your boyfriend sounds very immature, insecure and possessive, and you have nothing to feel guilty about.
A partnership shouldn’t be all-consuming – it’s not healthy for anyone. You’d be better off with someone who doesn’t want to control you.
See my support pack, How To Deal With Jealousy.
ONLY ENJOY ONE TYPE OF WOMAN
DEAR DEIDRE: I’M so sick of being single, but the only type of woman I’ll go for is beautiful, tall, curvy and red-headed.
No other women seem attractive to me, so I don’t see the point of dating them.
I’m a man of 48, and have been divorced for ten years.
My ex-wife fitted my criteria – but cheated on me. Since then I’ve been on dating sites and lots of first dates, but if the women don’t look right, I don’t take it any further.
It’s amazing how many women look nothing like their pictures or are much older than they claim.
I’ve always fantasised about redheads and only watch porn featuring them. Other women just don’t do it for me.
My friends keep trying to set me up with their single female friends.
Some are objectively attractive, but I know they’re not for me.
Where can I find the scarlet woman of my dreams?
DEIDRE SAYS: By lusting after this “ideal” of womanhood, you are missing out on a chance to find a loving relationship with someone wonderful.
Most people have a type – features they find particularly appealing. But it sounds like you are fetishising redheads.
I wonder if you had a formative sexual experience involving a red-head, which is why you have become so fixated on them. Talking to a sex therapist could help.
If you really want to meet someone, you need to be more open-minded and focus on personality, not just looks.
Read my support pack, Finding The Love Of Your Life, which will help you see what you need to do.
