I found my brother’s blog – he asked readers how to murder me

When my brother, Jack*, told me I could read his blog, I jumped at the chance. 

I was a nosy teenage girl after all. I wanted to read what he had to say about his life as a university student. 

Nothing could have prepared me for what I’d see. 

Some of his entries were so dark – about how he wanted me to be murdered or sexually assaulted – and the comments from people who read the blog were just as insulting, agreeing with him and giving him lots of sympathy. 

I felt violated, exposed, vulnerable. 

So despite being only 17, I decided to cut him out of my life for good: A decision I’ve never regretted. 

My relationship with my brother was always challenging. He was five years older – something he constantly used against me. 

From as early as I can remember, he bullied me incessantly. He regularly pushed, punched, and kicked me and insulted my appearance, interests, and abilities.

He even threatened to kill me a couple of times.

I felt sad and defensive because I was always under attack from him – I was too young to recognise that his behaviour went beyond normal sibling bickering. 

Despite this, I still craved his approval as my older, ‘cooler’ sibling. I treasured the times he was kind to me, like when we would make up games together. 

For the most part though, our relationship was combative and made me feel constantly on edge. 

Discipline from my parents had little impact. As I grew older, my mum told me to fight my own battles when I complained about his behaviour. I didn’t really know how to do this – telling him to leave me alone just encouraged him. 

Our relationship seemed to improve when I was about 14 – probably helped by him going to university – but I did not know he started the blog around this time. 

When I learned about the blog two years later, I was naturally eager to read it. It was anonymous but he openly told me about it and gave me the URL to access it. 

I read it one weekday evening. At first, as I scrolled through the posts, I felt entertained by finding out more about his life.

Cue the posts about wanting me to be adopted by a paedophile and continually raped, or asking his readers to suggest the best ways to murder me and dump my body

Then, the insulting comments about me started.  

At first, he talked about how much he hated me. Then he started discussing my struggles with depression and self-harm, claiming I was faking these problems for attention and that I believed it was cool to have depression.

This was completely false and I felt humiliated that he was publicly discussing my problems in this way. I was hurt and shocked. 

The further I scrolled the worse it got. The blog included lies about our family, like claiming that my father had stabbed him, as well as threats and insults towards my parents.

But I was singled out the most. 

Whenever my name was mentioned the tone became much darker. Cue the posts about wanting me to be adopted by a paedophile and continually raped, or asking his readers to suggest the best ways to murder me and dump my body. 

Reading his vulgar and spiteful words made me feel sick and scared. 

I turned to my mum and said, my voice shaking, there was something she needed to look at. As she, too, scrolled through Jack’s blog, she was stunned into silence. 

The following day she allowed me to stay home from school – with the agreement that I wouldn’t look at the blog while I was alone – as I was too upset. She then showed it to my dad when he got home from work that night.  

He called my brother and, though my dad often shouted, I had never heard him yell quite so loudly. He demanded Jack delete it all.

Jack did delete it very quickly after that and set his blog to be private. The privacy settings mean I have no idea if he actually carried on with the same kind of content.

In the weeks that followed, my parents supported me. I immediately announced that I wanted nothing more to do with him, which they seemed to accept; and my dad started trying to console me, including buying me gifts.

When my brother needed to visit my parents a couple of weeks later, they let me out of the back door so I could avoid him, and contacted me when he had left so I could come back home.

But after the initial fall-out, they never really asked if I was OK. With my parents reluctant to pick sides, it felt like I was going through the experience alone; especially as I was too embarrassed to tell any of my friends.

After a few weeks, my parents started urging me to reconcile. 

I remember my dad driving me to school and telling me I would have to forgive him sooner or later – his views are affected by his own estrangement from his brother, who died shortly after they reconciled.  

After some cajoling from my parents, Jack sent a letter of apology months later. However, he claimed he didn’t know anyone read the blog, despite interacting with readers in the comments, rendering his apology meaningless.

I had already made the decision to cut him off at this stage, so the apology really made no difference for me.

I did not communicate with him about my decision and have no recollection of our final interaction before I cut him out but I did so in 2006.

Now it’s been 19 years since, and in that time I have seen him only three times at family events. He has not once tried to make contact. I, myself, have only attempted to do so once before.  

In 2013, attempting to understand why he did this, I initiated a phone conversation but he refused to take responsibility for his actions. In fact, he actually tried to blame me for everything, citing behaviour from when I was about 12 years old that he felt was unreasonable.  

His refusal to be accountable is a major part of why I cannot forgive him. Really though, considering my entire relationship with my brother, I simply have no interest in reconciliation.  

I’m stronger and more confident without his influence. And I am very proud that, at the age of 17, I prioritised myself and set this boundary. I still feel empowered by my decision.   

My parents, sadly, are in denial. They mention him in conversation and, despite my wishes, have told me they’ve shared information with him about me and my life. I know they want things to change but I wish they’d accept that it’s not possible. 

There is a part of me that, when I observe the relationships many of my friends have with their siblings as adults, feels disappointed that it’s not possible for me. But the only way that this dynamic could change is if he apologises and takes responsibility. 

Even then, I wouldn’t want to build a new relationship. I’m happy for things to stay the same – my feelings and self-respect are my priority and my life is better off without him in it. 

*Names have been changed.

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing jess.austin@metro.co.uk. 

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