DEAR DEIDRE: I HAD finally started to accept my husband might be asexual or gay, when a chance discovery blew my reality apart.
Our sex life has always been problematic because he has struggled to get or keep an erection.
Our two children were conceived by IVF.
But last week, I picked up his phone, mistaking it for mine. The screen lock hadn’t kicked in and I saw the last thing he had logged on to was a dating app. He had been messaging women.
I’m devastated that he has been lying to me all this time. Now I’m considering having my own affair to fulfil both my physical and emotional needs.
I am a fit and attractive woman in my early forties, and am often told I look much younger than I am.
My husband is 45. We have two children, aged eight and six.
He always put his performance issues down to stress or exhaustion because of his busy job and I always hoped things would improve.
But after I conceived our first child through IVF he completely stopped being intimate with me.
I assumed it was his way of being cautious and caring, hoping we would reconnect later.
But I have made repeated efforts over the years and nothing seems to work.
I don’t want my children to experience growing up without a father, as I did, so I have stayed in the marriage for their sake.
Should I leave him, even though I don’t want to disrupt my daughter’s lives?
I feel stuck.
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DEIDRE SAYS: Those dating app messages are a red flag, so it’s vital you have an honest and open conversation with him.
He could be searching for support and connections on the apps, despite not being able to act on the latter.
He may also have performance anxiety, and so looks for validation from women online where there is less pressure.
IVF treatment will have been tough on you both, emotionally and psychologically.
Sex for your husband means all kinds of painful things, such as failure and hopelessness.
Say that you feel you are both missing out on a lot of intimacy and want to get close again.
My support packs Reviving A Man’s Sex Drive, and Solving Erection Problems, will also provide help.
Get in touch with Deidre
Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
Send an email to [email protected]
You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page.
LIBIDO OF WIFE IS UP AND DOWN
DEAR DEIDRE: I’M made by my wife to feel like a rubbish lover one minute, porn star the next.
She admits she doesn’t have a high sex drive, and has said she can take it or leave it.
But that doesn’t make me feel good about myself.
I’m 45 and my wife is 42. We have three kids. Life’s hectic but regular intimacy is important, right?
I ask her at least twice a week if we can have sex. She often turns me down but other times she wants sex a lot, especially on holiday.
She sometimes says it’s been the best sex ever.
There’s no balance. I don’t know how to deal with it.
DEIDRE SAYS: Women can feel more like intimacy when they are ovulating. This is when oestrogen levels are higher. And on holiday she’s more relaxed.
But a good sex life is about quality intimacy, not quantity.
If time is an issue it may take away the spontaneity, but put intimacy on the calendar. It’s a way to show you’re both invested in the relationship.
Enjoy simple kisses and cuddles without pushing for more, to take the pressure off your wife to have sex.
The irony is that if you enjoy the connection without pushing for more, it may happen naturally.
I WANT SHOT OF VIOLENT DAUGHTER
DEAR DEIDRE: MY daughter slapped me in the face for no reason. I am her 61-year-old mum. She is 43 and lives with me.
I was making dinner and she suddenly tore into me. When I asked her to calm down, she carried on shouting, and hit me.
I was so shocked, I started crying.
Her younger brother heard the commotion and came running into the kitchen.
He told her to stop. She then lunged at him, kicking him so hard in the groin that he was doubled over in pain. He ended up going to A&E.
I have now told her to move out because this isn’t the first time she has been aggressive towards me.
She has previously spat in my face, again for no reason. I don’t want her anywhere near me. She is making my life hell. What can I do?
DEIDRE SAYS: She is a very angry woman but your daughter is abusing you with her behaviour.
No wonder you are scared. You should not be living in fear.
There is never an excuse for violence but you are within your rights to tell her she has to leave. You deserve to live in peace in your own home.
Please contact PEGS, which deals with child to parent abuse (pegsupport.co.uk).
PARTNER KEEPS ME IN THE DARK
DEAR DEIDRE: EVEN though I have asked my girlfriend to be open and transparent with me, she is still so secretive and evasive.
I didn’t ask her because I am controlling, just because I don’t want to be only a weekend boyfriend – but it seems she can’t manage it.
I am 41 and she is 38. We have been together for four years but I feel like an afterthought.
She is secretive about what she is doing and where she is going. She often goes out for hours and keeps her phone switched off.
A few weeks ago she went to the gym with a friend, something she has never done before.
I expressed surprise because it was such a change for her. She sniped back at me, saying she was sick of me checking up on her.
Whenever I ask her what she has been doing, she becomes defensive and accuses me of being controlling.
I have no interest in telling her who she can see, or when and where. I also enjoy having a separate life but she is not being honest, and twists my innocent interest.
I said to her some time ago that I wanted us to get married, have a baby and live together but she says there is no rush.
She didn’t bother to tell me for two years that she doesn’t want a baby. I feel so very hurt and unsure.
DEIDRE SAYS: I realise how frustrating this is for you. Your feelings are understandable when it seems she deliberately goes out of her way to keep things from you.
Her defensiveness shows she knows deep down she is in the wrong.
Tell her you want more from the relationship and you are not prepared to wait. If it’s obvious that what you share with her now is all she is offering, perhaps you need to call it a day.
My support pack Standing Up For Yourself may help you to talk to her without making her self-protective.
