Getting married to the love of your life is a day you typically cherish together.
But for 26-year-old May*, her expectations of her special day have hit a bit of a snag. Her fiance, 28-year-old Derek* doesn’t want to spend the whole of their wedding day together.
The couple are getting married in a civil ceremony, but have chosen to skip the traditional reception element as they plan to do that after a church ceremony a year later.
The bride-to-be explained: ‘We originally said that after the civil ceremony, we wanted to go out to dinner with those present – my parents, his brother, and his grandmother.’
Much to May’s surprise though, these plans were quickly derailed by her future husband, who agreed to help out a workmate on their special day.
‘He’s promised a colleague he’ll help set up an event, and he says they absolutely need two days for it,’ she said. ‘Only, the first day of setup is exactly the day of the wedding.’
Understandably, May was ‘offended’ by his decision to leave her after their nuptials.
‘It hurts me a lot, because [it’s] also our anniversary on the day of the wedding,’ she wrote on Reddit.
‘We’ll have been together for seven years, and we haven’t been able to spend several anniversaries together for various reasons,’ she wrote on Reddit. The fact that he then wants to spend just half of our wedding day with me is painful.’
May’s post received nearly 400 comments from many people telling May to call off her wedding, including one who wrote: ‘Huge red flag. I would rethink marrying him at all. This is your biggest day and he chooses to not be there? You deserve better. All he had to do was say “no that’s my wedding day!”‘
Another, @beth_Duttonn, added: ‘If my fiancé made other plans on our wedding day I wouldn’t be marrying him at all! What a clear slap in the face. He doesn’t prioritise you or your relationship.’
But is this behaviour a true deal-breaker? And what does it mean for a relationship going forward?
‘There’s a significant communication gap between this couple regarding their priorities and expectations for their wedding day,’ Danny Zane, of North London Therapy tells Metro. ‘This day symbolises commitment and spending it apart is fruitless and will understandably cause distress for the wife-to-be.’
Ultimately, Danny thinks May’s fiancé is prioritising outside commitments over their relationship, which is damaging their mutual respect for each other.
‘I’d advise her to express her concerns to her partner and explore a potential compromise,’ he adds. ‘Derek should consider why he’s prepared to compromise his wedding day for his colleague.’
Relationship expert Sarah Louise Ryan agrees that the couple have stopped communicating effectively. Far from an isolated issue however, this is something she sees with a number of clients when it comes to big life events – especially weddings.
‘If they are planning a bigger wedding as the main event, one or both parties might not have fully heard the other about the importance of the civil ceremony,’ she tells Metro.
For their relationship to work, Sarah explains they (and any couple, for that matter) need strong foundations based on friendship, trust, understanding, connection and love.
‘I would advise May to suggest pre-marriage prep relationship therapy for better relating and communicating,’ she says. ‘It may be that both people in this scenario were doing their best but they have missed the mark in understanding each other. Don’t simply listen to the internet and assume the worst.’
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