We’re gay and rejected same-sex marriage — it was a protest

Two weeks after James Besanvalle moved from Sydney to London in March 2016, he made a match on a dating app that would change his life forever.

When he swiped right on Matt Horwood, they instantly connected and decided to go on their first date to an American diner soon after.

Just two months later, in May 2016, the pair made it official on a trip to Stockholm to watch the Eurovision Song Contest. And on Valentine’s Day 2017, less than one year after meeting, they got engaged.

‘We were staying in a converted stable in Devon for a weekend away in the countryside,’ Metro’s Assistant Platform Editor, James, who is 33 and based in London, tells Metro. ‘Matt asked if I wanted to get married after we’d just cooked a roast dinner and made an apple crumble from scratch.’

The pair planned an East London wedding. They would walk down the aisle together to Loreen’s Euphoria and a traditional wedding cake would be swapped for rainbow cupcakes.

When it came to the ceremony though, the pair made a huge decision: despite the fact that equal marriage had been written into UK law three years earlier, they opted for a civil partnership.

As well as Valentine’s Day, this week also marked Freedom to Marry Day on February 12, an initiative which promotes same-sex marriage.

Equal marriage has been a hard-fought battle around the world. In 2025, homosexuality is still criminalised in 64 countries, and same-sex marriage is illegal in many of those territories. But even in the countries where this is no longer the case, some non-heteronormative couples have chosen not to tie the knot in this traditional way.

‘Marriage is historically oppressive’

James, who came out as gay, aged 18, saw himself rejecting what he perceived to be the ‘heteronormative values’ he was taught as part of his Catholic upbringing.

‘I see the religious institute of marriage is historically oppressive. It was personally important to me (and I had Matt’s full support) that our wedding wouldn’t be religious at all,’ James explains. ‘A civil partnership gave us that option, while still affording us all of the legal privileges that come with it.’

At the same time James and Matt were planning their civil partnership ceremony, Australia – where James is originally from – was debating whether to legalise equal marriage. The government opted for a public vote, which James describes as ‘awful’ to put the LGBTQ+ community through.

‘Opting for a civil partnership instead of a marriage was a protest,’ he says. ‘Don’t get me wrong, I’m not against same-sex marriage. If queer couples across the world want to get married, they should have every right to do so. But I personally didn’t want that.

‘In fact, it felt quite radical in 2017 to be able to get a civil partnership when heterosexual couples couldn’t.’ Notably, the law changed to include opposite-sex couples in 2019.

As for their friends and family, they were very supportive of James and Matt’s collective decision to get a civil partnership as a protest.

And, when same-sex marriage was finally legalised in Australia in December 2017, both James and Matt were delighted – and spent the evening celebrating.

‘After years of stalling and excuses from the powers-that-be, it felt like such a relief,’ James recalls. ‘I was in a queer bar in Soho with some Aussie friends when the live results were announced. We all hugged each other and danced all night.’

Now that same-sex marriage is legal in both the UK and Australia, to mark their 10-year civil partnership anniversary, the couple have had discussions about converting their union into a marriage.

‘Matt especially would like to do this, but I’m perfectly happy keeping it as a civil partnership,’ James says. ‘Over time, I have fostered a better relationship with Catholicism and religion in general, so if we found an LGBTQ+ inclusive priest or celebrant to perform the ceremony, I’d be open to that.’

James and Matt aren’t alone though. Of their LGBTQ+ friends who have got engaged, a few have also chosen a civil partnership over a marriage.

James says: ‘I don’t think there’s a one-size-fits-all for whether queer couples choose civil partnerships, marriage, or neither. What’s most important is that we now have the choice and can be equal in how we officiate our love.’

‘I ended up doing something I don’t entirely agree with’

Bromley-based Rosie Wilby, 54, has a similarly complex relationship with marriage. She came out as a lesbian when she was 19, but over the years came to realise that she was actually bisexual.

For a long-time, she rejected marriage believing it is ‘based on a sugary fantastical notion that two people will remain in love for the rest of their lives.’

Rosie, who wrote The Breakup Monologues and Is Monogamy Dead?, continues: ‘Lesbian women have always tended to be very serially monogamous and to stay on good terms with multiple exes.

‘This worked really well for many generations of gay women, and then, because of same-sex marriage, we were all feeling pressured to do something different that doesn’t work nearly so well.’

However, Rosie’s views on marriage have shifted over the years; especially when she met her partner, 50-year-old Suzanne, online in November 2016.

Suzanne previously wanted to get married and had a more ‘romantic’ view of it than Rosie. When they later got engaged, it was ‘slightly accidental.’

‘We were having a conversation in the park as I was approaching 50 and feeling old,’ Rosie says.

‘She said “would it be better if you were married?” and I said, “yeah, maybe.” It turned out that was her way of proposing. I had no idea that’s what she meant, and before we’d really discussed it, we were telling her mum.’

Prioritising her love for Suzanne and her happiness, over her own views on marriage, the pair ended up tying the knot.

‘I love her, so I ended up doing something I don’t entirely agree with. I don’t think I foresaw how uncomfortable it would make me. I just thought it was a part of the compromise that came with loving someone,’ she adds.

‘That’s not to say there weren’t moments when I felt excited at doing something I’d always assumed was unavailable to me, but it’s a complex topic.’

Undoubtedly, Rosie is content in her relationship and loves her wife. And she acknowledged that when the pair got married, there was a sense of ‘standing up and being counted’.

And, in walking down the aisle herself, she thought that perhaps it could be seen as a ‘positive political statement.’

‘Perhaps it seemed like it was worthwhile taking advantage of the newest rights afforded to us rather than having a civil partnership, which had been available for longer,’ Rosie reflects.

‘I know many of my married gay friends see it that way.’

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